Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Running it's what I do best...

Today is Weds, Aug 3, 2011. 9:22 am, I lie in bed on on my stomach with my blue Victoria secret pajamas booty shorts and a white wife beater with no bra, feet snuggled under the covers with my Mac laptop at the edge of my bed... closed the blinds from letting the sunshine thru my bedroom window, my new white fan blows gently a cool breeze across my face everytime it rotates in my direction. Brewed a fresh cup of starbucks coffee in this super cool coffee maker thats makes coffee only by the cup. Its new to me, this coffee maker. At first, I wasn't fond of it, Im not one for changes (At ALL). But a lot has changed in the last year, and this seems to be a major theme for me this year... So this coffee maker today is my lil fwiend, but when I first moved into my new place, it wasn't... it was my enemy. It what a reminder that I was not in control, that it was not my possession, not my way of doing things, not "HOME", completely unfamiliar. I would have liked to grabbed a hammer and smashed the shit out of it into little miniscul pieces in a manic tantrum to express my dislike for change... Imagine that? My roomate already thinks Im nuts! lmaooooo ha ha ha ha... I see it as a therapuetic way to vent my emotions. See I dont do well with expressing my emotion of FEAR... FEAR of change... I'd rather run. (Surprise!) I am reading this book that explains me to a TEE, listen up...

Confronting Without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving ...
By Deborah Smith Pegues

Another way of handling conflict is embodied by the abdicator. An abdicator handles conflict through retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating himself, dropping out, walking away, abondoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding.

To abdicate is to relinquish power or responsibility. Renowned psychologist M. Scott Peck asserts in his book, "The Road Less Traveled", that "the tendency to avoid problems... is the primary cause of all mental illness".

If this is true, then the abdicator is a prime candidate for a mental disorder.

The Abdicator avoids confrontation at any cost. He will withdraw from a a situtaion rather than confront. He robs himself of the opportunty to experience the growth that results from working thru issues."

I am tired of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results- Insanity. I'm 35, a grown woman, my toolbox for dealing with conflict should be filled with every tool that they carry at Home Depot. That would be great, seriously! I just pull out a socket wrench when I need it and go to work, addressing, adjusting, and fixing problems as they arise.... I would love that, and ASPIRE for that. Build a solid foundation... with all the nuts n bolts tightly assembled airtight! :::thinking::: Nice metaphor...

This is what my toolbox looks like now --->

Pretty empty, I would say... Looking back thru my childhood I can say my parents didnt fully equip me with the fundamental tools needed to deal with life on lifes terms. They did best with what they had in their toolbox of solutions. And as a recovering drug addict and recovering alcoholic, my toolbox became extrememly scarce over the following years... Today I am aware.. Fully aware. Discovery (awareness) is the first process to change.

"Problems come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. There is no single or simple step-by-step process guaranteeing us we will solve every problem we encounter. We are faced instead with the requirement to configure or adapt our problem solving processes to fit the problem at hand. As problem solvers, we have more in common with the cabinet-maker than the assembly-line worker. What we need, then, are plans and blueprints, high-quality materials, a decent place to work, a well-stocked tool box, and the skill and knowledge necessary to properly select and use the tools in it. Toward that end, here are ten tips—ideas for “beefing up” the tools in your problem solving tool box."

  1. Focus on the solved state.
  2. Be clear about all your goals and objectives.
  3. Expand your definition of “Define the Problem.”
  4. Think of problem solving as a cover-the-bases activity.
  5. Draw diagrams and otherwise picture the structure of the problem.
  6. Take the concept of cause with a grain of salt.
  7. Watch out for “disconnects.”
  8. Be aware of your own blinders.
  9. Develop your own system for solving problems.
  10. Research the subject matter.

<--- This is what I want my toolbox to look like. Fully equipped... I am a very hard worker, ambitious, dedicated, and determined. Now the key is to apply my stregthns to my weakness. Face the issue at hand, whip out a tool, and use it proudly. Takes courage to change... and willingness. Both of those I embrace and display with a big smile on my face. I love learning, I love becoming a better person and doing the right thing. These things feed my soul and give me a purpose in life... Spiritual growth, evolving into a woman of integrity. Integrity: Doing the right thing when NO ONE is LOOKING.

Back to my point... Running....

I went to the movies the other day and watched "Crazy, Stupid Love". The movie was funny... but there was one scene that mad me want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a pool of battery acid. Seriously! My eyes watered, my throat swelled up with a huge knot and I tried not to cry. I knew in that instant God was speaking to me... The scene is the 13 year old son playing catch with his father who just left his mom cause she cheated on his father with a co worker. While throwing the ball back and forth the son tells his dad, if his mom is his soulmate, why did he walk away? Why doesnt he fight for her? the son continues to say, thats what you do for your soul mate, you fight for love, not walk away. He told his dad for fight for her!

Yeah, that scene made me want to cry. And the entire rest of the movie was completely uncomfortable... My attitude toward love has been the complete opposite for 31 years of my life, which would explain why I had NEVER had a long term relationship that lasted consistently longer than two months at any one time without me walking out (though sometimes I did come back). I have mastered running away at the first sign of a potential disagreement or fight. Im not the girl who stays and fights for love... I have to much pride and ego (My ego is not my amigo). Its something I promised myself from childhood... that I would never go thru what my mom did. I would have a zero tolerance level for bullshit. I will be stronger than my mom. I will be stronger for my daughter than she was.
I will at all cost protect that lil girl who cried every night for her mom to gather the strength to leave that nightmare. With a dogged stubborness that is ingrained in all that I am, all that I believe... Driven by that childhood fear, I take full flight to protect that lil girl inside I promised to protect... Who wouldve known that today this courage to protect would be my biggest curse and challenge in Love relationships? I am ready to settle down for a lifetime relationship, marriage, kids, family...

Three years ago... { To read the rest of this blog you have to Join my personal website htttp:// }

1 comment:

  1. wow what a powerful post! love & relationships are hard work and you should give yourself some credit for recognizing your own limitations regarding them. i wish you nothing but the best and i'm sure you will find everything you are looking for in life.