Thursday, March 1, 2012


rewrote this poem three times erased it three times... rewrote this blog once, then deleted this blog.... exposing the thoughts that cross my mind, the feelings in my heart.... I suppose these are mine to keep to myself this time since i wrote them, but couldnt post it, then rewrote it and still couldnt post it. or maybe my fear of being revealed? or my pride? or destiny? definately uncomfortable... who knows? What I do know is my life is amazing, but a few things weight so fucking heavy on my heart. Everything I have dreamt of is coming true.... beyond blessed.... health is on point for the first time in 6 years.... family stronger than ever before.... finances abundant.... and the most damn amazing friends anyone could dream of having as a ride or die... I am so focused, motivated, inspired to make my dreams come true.... yet one area leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and if i think too long it weighs heavy on my heart... Anyways... I dont understand why? Im doing everything possible to let go.... is there another lesson in this? or do i need to forgive and get rid of my bitterness? Maybe I need to throw out my emotional garbage, like the new book i just finished reading talks about... but that means forgiving... and honestly... I have zero desire to forgive... out of sight out of mind... i know all the quotes on anger and forgiveness, its a conscious choice I am making not to.... guess this is the repercussions of evil thoughts. Maybe this is my lesson?

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Illusionist

Master manipulator
The queen illusionist
You only see, what she allows you to see
Mixs and matches her masterfully designed masks
To display at her grandest performances
What you see, is not what you get.
For she buries her secrets deep
Forbidden light to shine upon on those dark places she treasures so tight.
breathing, believing, living in the paranoia
That haunts her in her deepest sleep
Boardering on psycosis
She is her own enemy
Her only enemy
It dwells in her darkness she refuses to let light shine on
No one told that lil girl inside
You are a grown woman now
Cause she refuses to live her life
Without ever looking at her reflection in the mirror...


The Story of Her

"Birds always fly home"

I know
I'm not perfect
I know
your not perfect
I do know
Our love superseded the spiritual realm...

In this lifetime we will have learned love...
Played out our karma...
Learned our lesson...
And came to some very deep realizations...
I promise you
I will search the ends Of the earth for you In our next
lifetime together...
It's there I will know...
To hold you tight
And NEVER let you go again
Until we meet again mi Amor
My heart will whisper your name


Tragic Love Story

Only you and i know the truth of us...
I whisper your name late at night when I lookup at the stars...
Our last kiss remains locked in the deepest depth of my beating heart...
When i close my eyes, take a deep breath in...
Your scent
lingers in the fresh air breeze across my face... .
I know you feel me...
I feel you too...
A love so deep, intense, and penetrating...
Spiritually penetrated by each others souls...
Fingertips losing hold of each other during the storm...

We are a tragic love story...

Friday, January 13, 2012

"Answered Prayers"

"Answered Prayers"

I asked for WISDOM...
and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for PROSPERITY...
and God gave me brains and the strength to work.

I asked for COURAGE...
and God gave me danger to oveercome.

I asked for LOVE...
and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors...
and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.

I received everything I needed.

My prayer has been answered.

~(Islamic Origin)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

"Loving beyond my capabilities"

"Loving beyond my capabilities"

Do I dare reveal my inner most thoughts?
Let down my walls of coldness Ive mastered in the last 35 years of living
Im not the one to open up, expose, divulge
Years upon years of silence
Lips paralyzed
Speech impaired
Vulnerability my biggest fear
Pride poisons
Ego my venom
crippled by my past
My eyes cry for you
that you will never know
My hearts broken
that you will never know
My lips say, "I love you"
that you will never hear
On bended knees wishing you were back
that you will never see
Thinking about you day and night
that you will never know
wearing your tshirt to bed every night
that you will never see
Me running back saying, "I fucked up"
that you will never hear
A prisoner of my own silence
That I will have to live with...


Its a new year... taking myself to the next level in all areas of my life. Pushing and challenging myself in the areas that make me uncomfortable. God knows vulnerability is not my forte when it comes to love. I want to be that open, vulnerable, fight for love, on bended knees type of girl I always looked as and judged as weak. It starts now, practice makes perfect and I want to be ready for my NEXT. Going in deeper than I have ever gone. Taking myself to an even higher dimension... "FOREVER" dimension... and it starts now, with myself. The more I express and communicate it now... the easier it will be once the time comes to say it from my lips... it will flow freely instead of walking out on the one I love cause my EGO and PRIDE. Refuse to make that same mistake again... all about that next level shit! Lets do it! Im ready! :::brushing off shoulder::: Evolving........................ beautifully :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011



People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly.

Today is Oct 7, 2011 Thursday night.... Through every storm there is a rainbow. I know that, its been a constant theme in my life. Tonight I took a hot bubble bath, lite my new candles I bought today at CVS, I bought a new scent.... thats rare... Im not one for change... I always get vanilla, but today i didnt. Interesting? To me yes! why? The fact that Im so open to try and do things differently is pretty incredible. Not my character, well at least it wasnt. I have despised the color pink for most of my 35 years of life, Im a fan of black. But I bought a new luggage set and I choose PINK. So I looked up the color pink to see what it represents...

Color Pink

Pink is the color of universal love. Pink is a quiet color. Lovers of beauty favor pink. A pink carnation means "I will never forget you".

Pink Energy

Pink is a combination of red and white. The quality of energy in pink is determined by how much red is present. White is the potential for fullness, while red helps you to achieve that potential. Pink combines these energies. Shades of deep pink, such as magenta, are effective in neutralizing disorder and violence. Some prisons use limited deep pink tones to diffuse aggressive behaviour.

Pink provides feelings of caring, tenderness, self-worth and love, acceptance.

Put some pink in your life when you want:

  • calm feelings
  • to neutralize disorder
  • relaxation
  • acceptance, contentment

Pink gem stone properties

Pink gemstones can be used to promote love, self-worth, order and protection from violence or aggression. Carry or place pink gemstones around your home or office to stimulate love and beauty.

Interesting ha? It makes sense... I am in a new place, a new mindset... heart and soul awareness... I even wore a pink tank top the other day to the LA County Fair and loved it! lol Go figure. Who wants to live life the same exact way till the day they die? Where is the fullfillment and joy in that? I love routine... but I want to experience life in its varies colors. I have a black and white, all or nothing kinda girl for so long... Im kinda tired of it. I am tired of looking at life out of MY STUBBORN lil box. In the book, "The 7 habits of highly efffective people', One of the habits is....

LOOKING OUTSIDE YOUR BOX: Thinking outside of the box requires a person to be willing to think past accepted concepts and perspectives, to strive for the different. Thinking outside the box means seeking creative ideas. This form of pondering requires practice.

    • Develop a new approach to solve problems. Be open to new possibilities that don't conform to the conventional ideas. Go beyond normal and look for alternative wisdom.
    • 2

      Explore all your options. Don't settle for the first thing that comes to mind. Look at every angle by viewing things from a clean pair of glasses.

    • 3

      Be a good listener and you'll hear things you've never heard before. The opinions presented could lead to solutions so listen carefully when someone is speaking.

    • 4

      Determine not to settle for status quo. Strive for the unconventional ways, reach for the stars, be unique. Don't be afraid of people placing judgement it's a lesson for us all. That's thinking outside of the box.

    • 5

      Practice thinking opposite of what comes natural. If you're trained to see the glass half-empty then see it half-full. If money never mattered then live like it does. These experiments will help re-train the mind to re-frame your thoughts

Why does this appeal to me? because Im tired of certain patterns in my life repeating. Really? Im honestly so over it. So cool, Im ready to listen. Im open to do things differently without any kind of fight or struggle. Well, lmao probably with some slip ups!!! No ones perfect, and its time for me to accept that and allow people to be unperfect without any expectations of what I think they SHOULD BE.

Being anything than authentic to myself today makes me feel yucky!! It will start to weight heavy on my heart and soul, and I will recognize the mask that I wear, and instantly want to rip it off and throw it off the empire state building. Blahhhhhhhhhhh... :::stinky face::: I am my worse critic and no one can beat me up worse than I can. No point in that, there is no victim, and no one cares for a fucking pity party. Suck it up, and learn. Honestly re evaluate and start over at any time.

All I know is that I want to do right to the authentic me. And right now, that means taking a sabbatical from dating, relationships, temporary fixs, and any kind of casual sex. ZERO interest!! ZERO.... feed me mind, inspire my soul... All the superficial bullshit and anger, and pain, is getting old. Just repeating same fucking pattern. Ive never taking time in my life to myself, to be in solitude. but my soul is yearning for it right now. Investing all the energy I put into loving someone else, into loving myself. Taking myself to a fancy dinner, drawing myself a hot bath, writing myself poems, being gentle to spirit right now. Theres so much love around me, I am investing in my family relationships and cherishing my friendships. surrounding myself weith those who build me up, inspire me, who are examples of integrity. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. No ones perfect, I know when my character defects are in full throttle, I recognize it. Doesnt take too long for me to feel like an ass, and realize exactly what I am doing. I might not be the best at saying sorry, today I'd rather show it by action. Sorry is just a word. Goodnight