Solitude...

Solitude:

People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly.

Today is Oct 7, 2011 Thursday night.... Through every storm there is a rainbow. I know that, its been a constant theme in my life. Tonight I took a hot bubble bath, lite my new candles I bought today at CVS, I bought a new scent.... thats rare... Im not one for change... I always get vanilla, but today i didnt. Interesting? To me yes! why? The fact that Im so open to try and do things differently is pretty incredible. Not my character, well at least it wasnt. I have despised the color pink for most of my 35 years of life, Im a fan of black. But I bought a new luggage set and I choose PINK. So I looked up the color pink to see what it represents...

Color Pink

Pink is the color of universal love. Pink is a quiet color. Lovers of beauty favor pink. A pink carnation means "I will never forget you". Pink Energy Pink is a combination of red and white. The quality of energy in pink is determined by how much red is present. White is the potential for fullness, while red helps you to achieve that potential. Pink combines these energies. Shades of deep pink, such as magenta, are effective in neutralizing disorder and violence. Some prisons use limited deep pink tones to diffuse aggressive behaviour. Pink provides feelings of caring, tenderness, self-worth and love, acceptance. Put some pink in your life when you want: calm feelings to neutralize disorder relaxation acceptance, contentment Pink gem stone properties Pink gemstones can be used to promote love, self-worth, order and protection from violence or aggression. Carry or place pink gemstones around your home or office to stimulate love and beauty.

Interesting ha? It makes sense... I am in a new place, a new mindset... heart and soul awareness... I even wore a pink tank top the other day to the LA County Fair and loved it! lol Go figure. Who wants to live life the same exact way till the day they die? Where is the fullfillment and joy in that? I love routine... but I want to experience life in its varies colors. I have a black and white, all or nothing kinda girl for so long... Im kinda tired of it. I am tired of looking at life out of MY STUBBORN lil box. In the book, "The 7 habits of highly efffective people', One of the habits is....

LOOKING OUTSIDE YOUR BOX: Thinking outside of the box requires a person to be willing to think past accepted concepts and perspectives, to strive for the different. Thinking outside the box means seeking creative ideas. This form of pondering requires practice.

1. • Develop a new approach to solve problems. Be open to new possibilities that don't conform to the conventional ideas. Go beyond normal and look for alternative wisdom.
   • 2

     Explore all your options. Don't settle for the first thing that comes to mind. Look at every angle by viewing things from a clean pair of glasses.

   • 3

     Be a good listener and you'll hear things you've never heard before. The opinions presented could lead to solutions so listen carefully when someone is speaking.

   • 4

     Determine not to settle for status quo. Strive for the unconventional ways, reach for the stars, be unique. Don't be afraid of people placing judgement it's a lesson for us all. That's thinking outside of the box.

   • 5

     Practice thinking opposite of what comes natural. If you're trained to see the glass half-empty then see it half-full. If money never mattered then live like it does. These experiments will help re-train the mind to re-frame your thoughts

   • 
     

Why does this appeal to me? because Im tired of certain patterns in my life repeating. Really? Im honestly so over it. So cool, Im ready to listen. Im open to do things differently without any kind of fight or struggle. Well, lmao probably with some slip ups!!! No ones perfect, and its time for me to accept that and allow people to be unperfect without any expectations of what I think they SHOULD BE.

Being anything than authentic to myself today makes me feel yucky!! It will start to weight heavy on my heart and soul, and I will recognize the mask that I wear, and instantly want to rip it off and throw it off the empire state building. Blahhhhhhhhhhh... :::stinky face::: I am my worse critic and no one can beat me up worse than I can. No point in that, there is no victim, and no one cares for a fucking pity party. Suck it up, and learn. Honestly re evaluate and start over at any time.

All I know is that I want to do right to the authentic me. And right now, that means taking a sabbatical from dating, relationships, temporary fixs, and any kind of casual sex. ZERO interest!! ZERO.... feed me mind, inspire my soul... All the superficial bullshit and anger, and pain, is getting old. Just repeating same fucking pattern. Ive never taking time in my life to myself, to be in solitude. but my soul is yearning for it right now. Investing all the energy I put into loving someone else, into loving myself. Taking myself to a fancy dinner, drawing myself a hot bath, writing myself poems, being gentle to spirit right now. Theres so much love around me, I am investing in my family relationships and cherishing my friendships. surrounding myself weith those who build me up, inspire me, who are examples of integrity. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. No ones perfect, I know when my character defects are in full throttle, I recognize it. Doesnt take too long for me to feel like an ass, and realize exactly what I am doing. I might not be the best at saying sorry, today I'd rather show it by action. Sorry is just a word. Goodnight

A true love story never ends

September 27, 2011

I love you
I can say it a million times
but love is an action

I love you
I can say it a million times
but you wont believe me

Close your eyes late at night when you in your bed alone,
I know you can feel me
Feel the vibrations of my essence bounce around your head
flow through your veins
race threw your mind


My soul has engraved my name into your heart
::::LISTEN::::
She whispers my name
and at times i can hear her cry out my name
I feel you deep, telepathectically...
Its our connection, the way we mesh into one

You just cant let go
I cant let go
Living on the memories
breathing for the sake of hope
that our love
will find its way home...

Home is what we had,
home is when we are together
home is where we laid our heads everynight
as you feel a sleep on my chest
listening to the deep sound of my heartbeating
whispering, "Your Home"....

No one understands...
No one comprehends the depth our souls have went
they danced, they played, and they laughed
We were in our world, our own dimension, where our love was the only reality
the only truth to our existence
I believed in you, and you believed in me...
a love so true

Love is the only truth...

Running...

Running it's what I do best...

Today is Weds, Aug 3, 2011. 9:22 am, I lie in bed on on my stomach with my blue Victoria secret pajamas booty shorts and a white wife beater with no bra, feet snuggled under the covers with my Mac laptop at the edge of my bed... closed the blinds from letting the sunshine thru my bedroom window, my new white fan blows gently a cool breeze across my face everytime it rotates in my direction. Brewed a fresh cup of starbucks coffee in this super cool coffee maker thats makes coffee only by the cup. Its new to me, this coffee maker. At first, I wasn't fond of it, Im not one for changes (At ALL). But a lot has changed in the last year, and this seems to be a major theme for me this year... So this coffee maker today is my lil fwiend, but when I first moved into my new place, it wasn't... it was my enemy. It what a reminder that I was not in control, that it was not my possession, not my way of doing things, not "HOME", completely unfamiliar. I would have liked to grabbed a hammer and smashed the shit out of it into little miniscul pieces in a manic tantrum to express my dislike for change... Imagine that? My roomate already thinks Im nuts! lmaooooo ha ha ha ha... I see it as a therapuetic way to vent my emotions. See I dont do well with expressing my emotion of FEAR... FEAR of change... I'd rather run. (Surprise!) I am reading this book that explains me to a TEE, listen up...

Confronting Without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving ...

By Deborah Smith Pegues

Another way of handling conflict is embodied by the abdicator. An abdicator handles conflict through retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating himself, dropping out, walking away, abondoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding.

To abdicate is to relinquish power or responsibility. Renowned psychologist M. Scott Peck asserts in his book, "The Road Less Traveled", that "the tendency to avoid problems... is the primary cause of all mental illness".

If this is true, then the abdicator is a prime candidate for a mental disorder.

The Abdicator avoids confrontation at any cost. He will withdraw from a a situtaion rather than confront. He robs himself of the opportunty to experience the growth that results from working thru issues."

I am tired of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results- Insanity. I'm 35, a grown woman, my toolbox for dealing with conflict should be filled with every tool that they carry at Home Depot. That would be great, seriously! I just pull out a socket wrench when I need it and go to work, addressing, adjusting, and fixing problems as they arise.... I would love that, and ASPIRE for that. Build a solid foundation... with all the nuts n bolts tightly assembled airtight! :::thinking::: Nice metaphor...

This is what my toolbox looks like now --->

Pretty empty, I would say... Looking back thru my childhood I can say my parents didnt fully equip me with the fundamental tools needed to deal with life on lifes terms. They did best with what they had in their toolbox of solutions. And as a recovering drug addict and recovering alcoholic, my toolbox became extrememly scarce over the following years... Today I am aware.. Fully aware. Discovery (awareness) is the first process to change.

"Problems come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. There is no single or simple step-by-step process guaranteeing us we will solve every problem we encounter. We are faced instead with the requirement to configure or adapt our problem solving processes to fit the problem at hand. As problem solvers, we have more in common with the cabinet-maker than the assembly-line worker. What we need, then, are plans and blueprints, high-quality materials, a decent place to work, a well-stocked tool box, and the skill and knowledge necessary to properly select and use the tools in it. Toward that end, here are ten tips—ideas for “beefing up” the tools in your problem solving tool box."

1. Focus on the solved state.
2. Be clear about all your goals and objectives.
3. Expand your definition of “Define the Problem.”
4. Think of problem solving as a cover-the-bases activity.
5. Draw diagrams and otherwise picture the structure of the problem.
6. Take the concept of cause with a grain of salt.
7. Watch out for “disconnects.”
8. Be aware of your own blinders.
9. Develop your own system for solving problems.
10. Research the subject matter.

<--- This is what I want my toolbox to look like. Fully equipped... I am a very hard worker, ambitious, dedicated, and determined. Now the key is to apply my stregthns to my weakness. Face the issue at hand, whip out a tool, and use it proudly. Takes courage to change... and willingness. Both of those I embrace and display with a big smile on my face. I love learning, I love becoming a better person and doing the right thing. These things feed my soul and give me a purpose in life... Spiritual growth, evolving into a woman of integrity. Integrity: Doing the right thing when NO ONE is LOOKING.

Back to my point... Running....

I went to the movies the other day and watched "Crazy, Stupid Love". The movie was funny... but there was one scene that mad me want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a pool of battery acid. Seriously! My eyes watered, my throat swelled up with a huge knot and I tried not to cry. I knew in that instant God was speaking to me... The scene is the 13 year old son playing catch with his father who just left his mom cause she cheated on his father with a co worker. While throwing the ball back and forth the son tells his dad, if his mom is his soulmate, why did he walk away? Why doesnt he fight for her? the son continues to say, thats what you do for your soul mate, you fight for love, not walk away. He told his dad for fight for her!

Yeah, that scene made me want to cry. And the entire rest of the movie was completely uncomfortable... My attitude toward love has been the complete opposite for 31 years of my life, which would explain why I had NEVER had a long term relationship that lasted consistently longer than two months at any one time without me walking out (though sometimes I did come back). I have mastered running away at the first sign of a potential disagreement or fight. Im not the girl who stays and fights for love... I have to much pride and ego (My ego is not my amigo). Its something I promised myself from childhood... that I would never go thru what my mom did. I would have a zero tolerance level for bullshit. I will be stronger than my mom. I will be stronger for my daughter than she was.

I will at all cost protect that lil girl who cried every night for her mom to gather the strength to leave that nightmare. With a dogged stubborness that is ingrained in all that I am, all that I believe... Driven by that childhood fear, I take full flight to protect that lil girl inside I promised to protect... Who wouldve known that today this courage to protect would be my biggest curse and challenge in Love relationships? I am ready to settle down for a lifetime relationship, marriage, kids, family...

Three years ago... { To read the rest of this blog you have to Join my personal website htttp://kiaramia.com }

Mood swings

It is 12:21 am. It was sunday 21 minutes ago and now its Monday. As though I really have interest in what day of the week it is, unless I have some exciting plans I have to look forward too. The heater in my apartment is blasting. I think its set to 78 degrees, could always pretend I'm in Africa with how damn hot it gets in here, but I'm too tired to get up and turn it off. I'm lying in my bed on my back with my computer proped up on my chest on a pillow. I need one of those laptop computer pillow/desk things I see all the time on that info commercial for AS SEEN ON TV products. My big fat grey, black, n white long haired cat, seems to have laid himself out on the entire right side of my bed. So I guess I will be sleeping on the left side. My chihuahua is curled up at my feet in between my legs so I cant roll over or move my legs.... cool ha? lol NOT! Anyways on to more important details and topics like how damn bitchy i was all week cause of this RAW food diet I have switched to. I am definately leaning up, but at the cost of trying to starve myself and eat as little as possible. I am obsessed with getting skinny. It's all I can think about at times. those tall anorexic runway models and the sucked in, deathlike look of their skeletal face. Kinda sick, I know, but thats where my mind goes lol. Well as a result of this starvation, I am one huge BITCH, on edge, and super snappy!!! I ate the entire day yesterday stuffing my face with all my favvy raw food. and guess what? Yup! you guessed!! my energy was up the roof, and I was in a happy mood!!! Not so much for today though, I havent ate much and feel my mood slipping low into a WARNING ZONE. lol warning zone ha ha ha thats a good code word i will post for my mood. Ok I just stopped by to vent, its bed time and I am tired. I went to church this morning, great message, which i will go into tomorrow ona a new blog when I am awake and not falling asleep. I always wake up smiling and positive!!! So lets go to bed!!!!!! fastt!!!!! lol nitey nites

The hotter the fire... the greater the pain... the closer you are to your blessing. So HOLD ON, you are close to giving birth to something new, something beyond your imagination... Stay faithful and obediant.... loving and caring... cause new levels of victory are right around he corner!!!!!! Copied this from another blog of mine last year. Gotta keep telling my self this!!!