Preservation

Its August 5, 2010. Outside the weather today is about 72 degress in the city of Lakewood, Ca. My Mac laptop is plugged into the wall beside me and I sit here on the elevated bed looking out the window to my right thinking a million miles per hour. When my mind, body, n soul starts to exude phrenetic energy, means time for me to write. What does phrenetic mean? Means manical**... what does manical mean? lol ha ha ha

Synonyms:

corybantic, delirious, demented, distraught,excited, fanatical, frantic, frenzied, furibund,furious, hyper, in a lather, insane, lost it, mad,obsessive, overwrought, phrenetic , rabid,unbalanced, unscrewed, weirded out, wiggedout, wild, wired

Understand now? Well thats the closest I can get so you can start to understand.

My itunes is playing Minnie Ripertons "Loving you". I have been on all levels trying to avoid anything related to love, relationships, or my ex. So I choose this song, it wasnt OUR song... but I feel it in this moment. I am newly single. We have had many time-outs, but I was still commited to her. You know when you are sooooo in love, your eyes are only set on them, no matter who passes your path or who tries to get at you.... all you see is little birdies and hearts floating around the moment THE ONE you love walks thru that door? ha ha ha what a beautiful refreshing feeling that my heart is able to love soooo magical. Well, thats not my story anymore. This time its the final goodbye. That exact moment when you hit rock bottom and say I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. A preservation of what self-worth I had left. A protection of my heart... and a call to keep alive the fairytale I have believed love REALLY is. A need to safe guard, shield my soul.

After 2 and a half years of ridicule**. What is ridicule?

Ridicule: mockery,sarcasm, satire, irony. Ridicule, deride, mock, taunt imply making game of a person,

usually in an unkind way. To ridicule is to make fun of, either sportively and goodhumoredly,

or unkindly with the intention of humiliating. To deride is to assail one withscornful laughter

To mock issometimes playfully, sometimes insultingly, to imitate

and caricature the appearance or actions of another To taunt is to call attention to something

annoying or humiliating, usually maliciously andexultingly and often in the presence of others

I think this helps to put into words the relationship very well. This is just the tip of the ice burg. but I dont want to go any deeper than that. I think this is enough for you to understand why I left for preservation of my heart n soul. and build back what low self-worth I allowed during this relationship. I am the master of my universe and I had enough of being put down, and made to feel less than. Time to let out my superwoman and be ME again. Time to surround myself with souls who BUILD ME UP... ENCOURAGE ME... LOVE ME FOR ME... gentle all knowing loving souls.

So here I sit rereading what I just wrote... wow! how did I let it even get that far? I come from relationships where I was spoiled with love n affection... adored... in loved kindly. Hmmmm? I am resposible for staying. I am no victim. I choose to stay and I allowed myself to be treated as such. That I own. TOday I will not tolerate that or ever surround myself with someone like that again. I have too much self-worth tday to know I should never be treated anything less that a princess. All the manipulation n childish high school games are over. No more of walking on eggs shells anymore! Jesus the anxiety is gone and I feel free!!! Free in open to other souls... to the sunrise first thing in the morning.... to the waves that crash across the rocks... I can see, n hear Gods love.

I am doing me now... taking care of me now. For the first time in 2 1/2 years my eyes are wandering and lusting again. Wonderful feeling to know I am letting go and am moving forward finally. I knew this last stint together was my last. Sometimes it takes years to finally hit rock bottom in a relationship, because you become so co-dependant on another person and the fear of being alone is so great that you will settle. You like to believe the person is gonna change, you like to make excuses that it was their childhood and if I just love them and mother them to death they will change..... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no!

Doesnt happpen... A million excuses... but I believe LOVE is a drug... and like a heroin addict I was addicted to her in every which way, no matter what she did... she knew I wasnt going anywhere and she had the control. She knew exactly how to manipulate me... and I fell for it every single time. She use to tell me I was too gullible... now I know why she would say that.

I learned alot in this past relationship. and of course there is two sides of this story. This is mine. My own personal perspective... My longest relationship ever... Do i get a cookie for that? lol

I am not a victim today. I am an amazing woman who can conquer any obstacle that comes my way. I am the creator of my own universe. I am strong n positive! I know what I dont want... Great lesson right? but I am human too. I do get sad at times, and a few times at the most random moments cried my eyes out. it hurts, sometimes more than others. I just try to keep focused on my career and keep busy working. I keep my eyes on the reasons i stated above to remind me not go back. So I write this to remind myself why we wont work out... why so stay far away...

I am dear friends with ALL MY EX'S... keep in touch with them, and talk to them... thats the gentle soul I am... mad respect for them, and them mad respect for me. I had an ex call me the other morning to tell me SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY BACK... random call.... and then told me she was out n about my name came up from girls who dont know me personally... and she said that she put them on check! That she will never let anyone bad mouth me in front of her! THATS GANSTA! and likewise... I have never said a bad thing about her! nor would I ever allow anyone to bad mouth anyone I love... Then i had another ex call me and say no matter what anyone says, she knows the real ME, and that so many people hate... but she said she always speaks up for me! Those are my EXS and I am proud to have been with them! Even my ex husband has nothing but great things to say about me... I think my reputation with the ones who have actually been part of my circle are the only ones who I care what they think... and they love me for me! :::taking a bow:::

Until my next manic episode...