Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Long Nights

its been a minute...

What to disclose? What to keep to myself? :::a minute pause, biting my lip::: I can already feel the swelling knot in my throat because I want to cry. :::taking a moment::: I sit in the dark of my new apartment with a vanilla creme candle half burnt flickering against the wall illuminating warm burst of light. I have my new Alicia Keys CD playing, over and over and over again, as I do with every new CD I get. Ive been super busy, with my breakup, new career change, and moving. Three major life changes... :::pondering:: the only thing guaranteed in life is CHANGE. This I know all to well, cause I always feel like my world is gonna end when there is a change. Dramatic? Emotional? or stubborn? All of the above, which breaks down into FEAR. I like to keep my writings about me, not discussing other people. There is no freedom in pointing fingers, judging others, or bad mouthing anyone. Ultimately this is about ME...

There is a cycle I repeat over and over. Pulling people close... then pushing them away (really really far) or running away..... ALWAYS running back like a scared lil girl. Understandable today... because of my career choices in the last 12 years. I'm sure it goes deeper, but lets not go into the details.

TRUST is earned... and yet the slightest injury, and we want to cut people out. No one is perfect, as a matter of FACT..................... far from it. Do we have the patience and courage to walk thru this lifetime with the ones we love imperfect and all, and stay by their side no matter what? Accepting them AS THEY ARE... and still loving them through all their ups and downs of growing spiritually, emotionally. Think about that? Instead of judging, looking at it from their eyes, their own box like mentality... and being still. What do I mean by being still? Wondering what in their life causes them to do the things they do? Just allowing them to be them... and still be there by their side. Whether you agree with their choice or not? So man claim ride or die.... but really? When the ride gets to much to handle, or not going the direction YOU WANT IT TO (unreasonable expectations of how you think they should live their life) you bail? Abandon those who YOU CLAIMED never to walk away from. I have a few amazing friends like that... and I remain the same loyalty to them. Jesus!!!!! That's when they need you the most, and you choose to abandon them? Of course this doesn't apply to physical abuse or emotional abuse.

It like you wanna scream to the world, "just love me for me!!!" I think the heart and soul are the two most precious treasures in life, and when you find someone with those things, hold them tight and don't let them go. Intimacy takes revealing the sides of your side no one knows. Those secrets that you've always kept inside, those nightmares you have every night but don't want to tell the world. Imagine living a life hidden from your own self? Revealing those parts of ourselves that we feel shame or embarrassment.... comes freedom. we can live in the denial, a make believe world, a secretive life? That's some heavy shit! Trying to fit into every ones IDEA of the person you should be... and when all those secrets are finally out, its like a mirror reflection... cause there is no more denying the truth. You finally see light, in those areas of your life you kept dark so long... and guess what... it's gonna hurt to face reality, gonna sting, feel like someone is peeling off your skin that you have been wearing so long hidden in the faces you only show to impress.

I can look at it as a being exposed... or as a monumental moment in my life to make the right changes for once. Ive been waiting 12 years and the time has come. Here I am... I feel naked, raw, and uncomfortable. I have no one to be mad at, no one to blame.... this is all me. The parts I didn't want to face, the parts I didn't want to change... Karma will be dealt, and received... My intentions have always sincere, and heartfelt.... ironic...

This is my journey to me... all I can do is walk this new path... time will build trust... and doing the right thing when no one is looking will build self-esteem and self-worth...




30 comments:

  1. 如果成為一支火柴,也要點亮一個短暫的宇宙;如果是一隻烏鴉,也要叫疼閉塞的耳膜。

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  2. 任何你憂慮的事,你都應該去採取一點行動,不要只是在那邊想..............................

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  3. 生存乃是不斷地在內心與靈魂交戰;寫作是坐著審判自己。.................................................................                           

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  4. 一個人的際遇在第一次總是最深刻的,有時候甚至會讓人的心變成永遠的絕緣。............................................................

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  5. 世界上沒有本來就應該的事,因為老天爺也沒有劇本..................................................

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  6. 獨居時,要反省自己的過錯;在社會大眾之間,則要忘卻別人的過失。..................................................

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  7. 在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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  8. 在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    ReplyDelete