"The Break Up"
Today is November 9, 2010. Its 9:30 PST and I am in an empty plane about to land at LAX in about an hour. I was in NYC all week freezing my ass off, and I mean wind so cold you would think razor blades were slicing your cheeks. But during the weekend I was in NJ, absolutely loving the Jersey love for an adult convention called Exxxotica. Alexis, my dear friend, and I had our own booth there. Where we signed autographs and took pictures with our fans. This is the last place I ever thought I would be a year ago.
Now keep in mind this is my story, my point of view... How I see this story... Whether its the correct version or not, it is solely my personal experience from my eyes... Like Eminem says in that song:
Walk my shoes, just to seeWhat it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Looking shit through each other's eyes
I moved to Downey, Ca. about a year n half ago with the love of my life. You would think I would remember the good times, but the break-up weighs heavy on my heart. It was around November, same time last year. Actually early December, I think now. When my world and hers got turned inside out, like a world war three erupted, and all the soldiers in our house were at odds. I was the enemy, the cause of this catastrophe. A few days before I was the loving wife n mother who kept the household together. Setting the alarm at 6am every morning in hopes of waking up my wife for work, good-luck! She never work-up until minutes before she needed to leave the house. My joy was waking up with her, brewing the coffee, making her scrambled egg whites(No salt) and very lil cream in her coffee and a pinch of sugar. If the fridge was full of food, then packing her a lunch was always fun! Cheese its! ha ha ha She always complained i packed too much food, until late afternoon came and she would gladly finish off the rest of her lunch! and then admit to me I was right… she would be eating the rest of her lunch. Kiss her grumpy face goodbye and run back into the bedroom and jump into bed!
I had settled down for the first time in my life, I fell madly in love… ready for the white picket fence, laughing children running around, n the dog in the yard. My childhood dream, to have that perfect little happy family. The family life I always dreamt of having as a child, not the nightmare I remember as my childhood. but we wont go into that here. I lived a double life, as most alcoholics do. With a lil over a year sober I was learning how to have my first long term relationship. And for the first time in my life, I didn't want to run or push her away. My demons were dormant, her love had tamed them. I was content, I had finally achieved contentment. That didn't last too long! As I had a secret. How long did I really think I was gonna get away with my dishonesty? A double life? the guilt alone ate away at my self-esteem. My anxiety raced from the moment I woke up! I was distant at times, preparing myself for the worse. Daytime came and I was able to keep myself distracted long enough not to feel, but once nighttime fell, it consumed me. What would become of my happy home? The admittance of my darkest, n deepest secret… I couldn't even fathom facing the truth.
She sobbed her eyes out that night… I sat close to her frozen in shame, my throat had swelled up and i couldn't say a word. The hurricane of guilt was about to make me pass out… Do I reach over and hug her? What do I do? The only thing I know how to do is run… and God did I want to put on my Nikes in run out the door as far as i could get and never look back at the catastrophe that laid at my feet. My skin crawled and I wanted to dive deep into the nearest hole and die. Face to face I sat with her on the edge of our bed in our bedroom. The entire apartment was silent and I knew our conversation could be heard by my daughter. Staring at our bed, I recalled the many nights we seductively stared into each others eyes, turned down the lights, lite up the candles that I frequently bought from Ross every week, and were up to the wee hours of the morning making beautiful love. Now here I sit, stricken with fear of losing her. But do I dare reveal that to her? Do I stay and fight for her, our family, our dreams? Kangi laid nearby, our teddybear we slept with every night, even he seemed to give me the evil eye. My guilt confiscated my idenity!!!! Do you understand? I am the worse with confrontation, I wont even call the pizza man to order pizza, the mere thought of conversing with the man gives me anxiety. So here I am, being confronted! and I turn into a freezing cold mountain of silence. Good going of being a real asshole! My pride inflates and my bulletproof walls go up in 2.5 seconds… and I angrily admit too the fact Yes, I have chosen to get in the Adult Industry. The Adult industry entails more than I care to discuss right now.
I learned the deepest lessons of unconditional love from this lady. She forgave my dishonesty and stood by my side while we put boundaries on my choices I made to make money in this industry. I think that alone says a lot about her love for me, while at least for that moment… cause the months to follow I experienced the worse emotional abandonment, n ridicule from this relationship. The long weeks she went without saying a word to me, and looking at me in disgust. Night after night I looked over to her side of the bed to have her back to me for months… The trust was gone and I was now being punished… My self-worth was dwindling at this point by the second, and I allowed it. In the middle of the night i would wake to the pitch black bedroom and sob my eyes out. This isn't the relationship I envisioned for my happy family… A year prior to this she was DISHONEST… and I forgave her… I let it go… why cant she? Why the double standard? I didn't punish you? I didn't bring it up? I didn't throw it in your face everyday? I worshipped the ground she walked on. I adored her, spoiled her, encouraged her and took care of her. I gave my all for the first time in my life to someone and this is how she repays me. Months went by, that voice inside was crying to be loved, begging for just one lil ounce of affirmation… it never came… so I mustered up enough courage and what little self-esteem I had and packed up the house and left.
When I finally made that decision, i thought the worst of it was over! It only gets worse before it gets better. My new apartment was beautiful!!! My home was back to being my safe-haven. Peaceful and serene… I enjoyed the silence and smile overtime I came home to a smiling face!!! My daughter and dog Bella were in the best spirits and i was content… Until the emotions of the break-up caught up with me…. I now dreaded the thought of laying my head on the pillow, cause there my biggest enemy would catch up with me, I was able to lose him throughout the day in the busy hustling of my job. I feel into a deep depression, sobbing my eyes out overnight to sleep. Sick to my stomach, I couldn't fathom the thought of eating… I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed over her. Just one touch, just one hug, what i would do to have her hold me while I fell asleep. I couldn't breath, live without her!!! I was addicted, like a heroin addict withdrawing from running out of heroin… the withdrawals were slowly killing me… this was not what I had in mind when I left!!! My drinking increased as I tried to drink away the pain… I begged her back, and begged, and begged, she threw dog scrapes my way every now and then, and i swallowed em up like they were my last meal. I felt deserving of this treatment, guilty for leaving our family, our dreams, ruining what we had.
I hit rock bottom… I couldn't take anymore and knew I needed to do something different. I was waiting for that moment, that minute, that second that I could finally walk away and move on. I prayed… all i could do is be patient, sit back and watch her treat me as an option, that is the nicer version of what I really want to say… and wait. I knew it was near… my self-esteem was building back up… and my self-worth was on the rise!!! Just wait till I'm not at your beck n call anymore, then you will regret it…. that was my thought, my hope, my prayer… too walk away… and that moment and second came… God parted the clouds and the sun came shining through and I had, had enough, I was done.
I know her to well, I was ready for the 'VINDICTIVENESS'… I am no one to judge, but we all grow spiritually at different times on different levels… I knew I would pray for her and wish her well on her path and her journey in the choices she makes today. I only grow stronger day by day… I get to see with my own eyes where she is at today, and know I made the right decision. Some people don't change… they repeat the same pattern over and over again… their timing to learn from past mistakes is their own journey. I am on mine right now. And God knows the truth… I am shedding old skin, which is uncomfortable and hard…. I am striving to be a woman of unconditional love… and I love her still… not with all my heart anymore thou, I have put loving myself first and priority today. I do cry at times and grieve that relationship… I don't need to feed my ego and pretend I am this tough girl who doesn't give a fuck… I am beyond that today. I choose to be vulnerable instead of cold n tough… My life is beyond amazing right now, all my dreams are coming true and I am living them. It's a process of self-discovery to let go… and everyday becomes easier than the day before. My faith in Love has been restored by a new soul in my life, who is everything I could dream of. I am reminded on a daily basis how wonderful LOVE is suppose to be. I am taking it slow in the relationship department and had to take a step back from fixing on someone new to get over her. Its selfish of me to use anyone right now when my heart is still healing. I am grateful… I can laugh off the obvious vindictiveness I hear about and see… My unconditional love for her is stronger than my ego n pride, who cares? I don't… that is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE… anger has no place in my life anymore, nor space for games… Peace and love to everyone...