Sunday, October 25, 2009


Sitting at my executive desk, staring at the wireless keyboard i bought for my I mac computer. I sit in frustration, anger, and anxiety. My throat swells up and I can feel a lump the size of an apple blocking the air to my windpipe, I feel like I cant breath. Another strike, another fight... 

but really who is the fight with? Is it me? Is it myself I am fighting? These emotional outburst. The tears held back, cause who wants to cry? Do I really wanna look like a crazy person? The mere thought of crying makes me sick.

I am powerless over people, places, and things. Am I in a situation that calls for faith? Or signs from God for change? 

My part? because ultimately I have a part in my own madness. What is it? Lets find out and delve into me...

I am the creator of everything that is in my life right now. I have chosen this path, and along with it comes consequences.  What i really feel like is a drink... is that gonna make me feel any better? or make my problems go away? Come on now... NO.  Im a grown woman, and as a grown woman need to handle my problems and issues like a woman with class, and sophistication. Exactly how do I go about it like this, when all I wanna do is scream and say "Fuck off!!" I perceive in my head that no one listens to me, actuality is... is that people dont do what I WANT... THE WAY I THINK IT SHOULD BE DON... OR BE THE WAY I THINK THEY SHOULD BE... Bottom line I want to be the director of the show. I think I know the better way to do things, or the better way for someone to act and behave.  Accepting people, can be hard.  

I tend to be selfish. What is selfish? 

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Who really has the balls to admit this? I do... (shyly raising my hand) I seem to make decisions without thinking of how they will effect those close to me. and as a bull... I am stubborn, and getting me to see another perspective takes time and patience. I worry about my benefit in a my situtation at all times. I have these  UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS I put on others.... and when they dont meet em, I explode.

I close up, withdraw, and run away... it seems to be the first unconscious reaction when confronted.  i am very uncomfortable with confrontation, definately not my forte... the root of this??? FEAR... fear runs my life, in most areas... and lately I have been living in fear... 

Honestly I wonder? Is changing my enviornment gonna make me happy? Is more money gonna make me happy? Is a new relationship gonna make me happy? Should I change my family situtation? No. i musst address reality. Be RIGOROUSLY HONEST, not brutally honest... I hate that term, it just a cop out excuse for an insecure coward to use to make themselves feel that they are better than or superior to someone else. Brutally? Lets define it...

Brutally: savage; cruel; inhuman,crude; coarse:harsh; ferocious

Jesus!!!!! wow! need i really say more about those who claim, brutally honest? Just an insecure coward, who hasn't learned LOVE... hasn't learned he art of real love... thats a whole nother blog. S back to myself, lol.... I have to be honest with myself... Rigorously! Lets define that 

Rigorous: severely exact or accurate; precise , uncomfortably severe or harsh; 

There is that word uncomfortable again, ugh... I like to live in my own little fantasy world. Where everything is peaches and cream, get what I mean? I can tend to be disillusioned by my own reality, what i want it to be... or basically cause i don't want to see the TRUTH. ohhhhhhhhh... that hit deep to the soul. ouchies! The truth... means I have to be accountable for my own choices.  Means admiting complete defeat... 

Fear: I fear I will not live up to me life purpose, that i am on the wrong path, going in the wrong direction, and wasting time. I fear that I will always have to be the caretaker for everyone... and boy its exhausting. I fear that I cant hold a stable healthy relationship, wtf is healthy? When is the right time to stay and work things through and when is the right time to let go and move forward? gezzzzzzzzz.... TIMING ha? Timing is everything in life, there is Gods time, and then there is my time ::magical fairy dust flying around, while cinderellla musci plays:: Exactly, my time is always an illusion... never reality. I forget to trust GOD. Its hard lately... cause when people, places, situations, get tough... I just leave... Work??? lmaooooooooooooooooo Start something and actually see it through to the end no matter how tought it gets????????? HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, doesnt happen in my world... I want the easier, softer way out. 

So back to working things thru... there is always a beginning to a problem, then theres the middle, then theres and end... I Kiara Mia, solemnly swear to stay and work things out and thru to the end. Wow! Thats a major goal for me, I am gonna write that on my 2009 vision board I have hung over my veranda behind my desk up on the once empty wall. I like to run from people and problems... its what I do best. I choose now to commit to seeeing everything I do thru to the end... and in the process I will give it my absolute best!!! No matter how many times I wanna quit. I will hold on, and KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, got it?

Thanks for listening, and not judging or criticizing, just let me be me... Cause i am a work in progress... 


1 comment:

  1. Moderation. Grand Design? Great plan? Enjoy. Don't purposley harm. Relax, this isn't a race or contest. It's life. We are just suppose to live and love. Then wait for the next adventure.