The Break-Up

"The Break Up"

Today is November 9, 2010. Its 9:30 PST and I am in an empty plane about to land at LAX in about an hour. I was in NYC all week freezing my ass off, and I mean wind so cold you would think razor blades were slicing your cheeks. But during the weekend I was in NJ, absolutely loving the Jersey love for an adult convention called Exxxotica. Alexis, my dear friend, and I had our own booth there. Where we signed autographs and took pictures with our fans. This is the last place I ever thought I would be a year ago.

Now keep in mind this is my story, my point of view... How I see this story... Whether its the correct version or not, it is solely my personal experience from my eyes... Like Eminem says in that song:

Walk my shoes, just to see

What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find

Looking shit through each other's eyes

I moved to Downey, Ca. about a year n half ago with the love of my life. You would think I would remember the good times, but the break-up weighs heavy on my heart. It was around November, same time last year. Actually early December, I think now. When my world and hers got turned inside out, like a world war three erupted, and all the soldiers in our house were at odds. I was the enemy, the cause of this catastrophe. A few days before I was the loving wife n mother who kept the household together. Setting the alarm at 6am every morning in hopes of waking up my wife for work, good-luck! She never work-up until minutes before she needed to leave the house. My joy was waking up with her, brewing the coffee, making her scrambled egg whites(No salt) and very lil cream in her coffee and a pinch of sugar. If the fridge was full of food, then packing her a lunch was always fun! Cheese its! ha ha ha She always complained i packed too much food, until late afternoon came and she would gladly finish off the rest of her lunch! and then admit to me I was right… she would be eating the rest of her lunch. Kiss her grumpy face goodbye and run back into the bedroom and jump into bed!

I had settled down for the first time in my life, I fell madly in love… ready for the white picket fence, laughing children running around, n the dog in the yard. My childhood dream, to have that perfect little happy family. The family life I always dreamt of having as a child, not the nightmare I remember as my childhood. but we wont go into that here. I lived a double life, as most alcoholics do. With a lil over a year sober I was learning how to have my first long term relationship. And for the first time in my life, I didn't want to run or push her away. My demons were dormant, her love had tamed them. I was content, I had finally achieved contentment. That didn't last too long! As I had a secret. How long did I really think I was gonna get away with my dishonesty? A double life? the guilt alone ate away at my self-esteem. My anxiety raced from the moment I woke up! I was distant at times, preparing myself for the worse. Daytime came and I was able to keep myself distracted long enough not to feel, but once nighttime fell, it consumed me. What would become of my happy home? The admittance of my darkest, n deepest secret… I couldn't even fathom facing the truth.

She sobbed her eyes out that night… I sat close to her frozen in shame, my throat had swelled up and i couldn't say a word. The hurricane of guilt was about to make me pass out… Do I reach over and hug her? What do I do? The only thing I know how to do is run… and God did I want to put on my Nikes in run out the door as far as i could get and never look back at the catastrophe that laid at my feet. My skin crawled and I wanted to dive deep into the nearest hole and die. Face to face I sat with her on the edge of our bed in our bedroom. The entire apartment was silent and I knew our conversation could be heard by my daughter. Staring at our bed, I recalled the many nights we seductively stared into each others eyes, turned down the lights, lite up the candles that I frequently bought from Ross every week, and were up to the wee hours of the morning making beautiful love. Now here I sit, stricken with fear of losing her. But do I dare reveal that to her? Do I stay and fight for her, our family, our dreams? Kangi laid nearby, our teddybear we slept with every night, even he seemed to give me the evil eye. My guilt confiscated my idenity!!!! Do you understand? I am the worse with confrontation, I wont even call the pizza man to order pizza, the mere thought of conversing with the man gives me anxiety. So here I am, being confronted! and I turn into a freezing cold mountain of silence. Good going of being a real asshole! My pride inflates and my bulletproof walls go up in 2.5 seconds… and I angrily admit too the fact Yes, I have chosen to get in the Adult Industry. The Adult industry entails more than I care to discuss right now.

I learned the deepest lessons of unconditional love from this lady. She forgave my dishonesty and stood by my side while we put boundaries on my choices I made to make money in this industry. I think that alone says a lot about her love for me, while at least for that moment… cause the months to follow I experienced the worse emotional abandonment, n ridicule from this relationship. The long weeks she went without saying a word to me, and looking at me in disgust. Night after night I looked over to her side of the bed to have her back to me for months… The trust was gone and I was now being punished… My self-worth was dwindling at this point by the second, and I allowed it. In the middle of the night i would wake to the pitch black bedroom and sob my eyes out. This isn't the relationship I envisioned for my happy family… A year prior to this she was DISHONEST… and I forgave her… I let it go… why cant she? Why the double standard? I didn't punish you? I didn't bring it up? I didn't throw it in your face everyday? I worshipped the ground she walked on. I adored her, spoiled her, encouraged her and took care of her. I gave my all for the first time in my life to someone and this is how she repays me. Months went by, that voice inside was crying to be loved, begging for just one lil ounce of affirmation… it never came… so I mustered up enough courage and what little self-esteem I had and packed up the house and left.

When I finally made that decision, i thought the worst of it was over! It only gets worse before it gets better. My new apartment was beautiful!!! My home was back to being my safe-haven. Peaceful and serene… I enjoyed the silence and smile overtime I came home to a smiling face!!! My daughter and dog Bella were in the best spirits and i was content… Until the emotions of the break-up caught up with me…. I now dreaded the thought of laying my head on the pillow, cause there my biggest enemy would catch up with me, I was able to lose him throughout the day in the busy hustling of my job. I feel into a deep depression, sobbing my eyes out overnight to sleep. Sick to my stomach, I couldn't fathom the thought of eating… I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed over her. Just one touch, just one hug, what i would do to have her hold me while I fell asleep. I couldn't breath, live without her!!! I was addicted, like a heroin addict withdrawing from running out of heroin… the withdrawals were slowly killing me… this was not what I had in mind when I left!!! My drinking increased as I tried to drink away the pain… I begged her back, and begged, and begged, she threw dog scrapes my way every now and then, and i swallowed em up like they were my last meal. I felt deserving of this treatment, guilty for leaving our family, our dreams, ruining what we had.

I hit rock bottom… I couldn't take anymore and knew I needed to do something different. I was waiting for that moment, that minute, that second that I could finally walk away and move on. I prayed… all i could do is be patient, sit back and watch her treat me as an option, that is the nicer version of what I really want to say… and wait. I knew it was near… my self-esteem was building back up… and my self-worth was on the rise!!! Just wait till I'm not at your beck n call anymore, then you will regret it…. that was my thought, my hope, my prayer… too walk away… and that moment and second came… God parted the clouds and the sun came shining through and I had, had enough, I was done.

I know her to well, I was ready for the 'VINDICTIVENESS'… I am no one to judge, but we all grow spiritually at different times on different levels… I knew I would pray for her and wish her well on her path and her journey in the choices she makes today. I only grow stronger day by day… I get to see with my own eyes where she is at today, and know I made the right decision. Some people don't change… they repeat the same pattern over and over again… their timing to learn from past mistakes is their own journey. I am on mine right now. And God knows the truth… I am shedding old skin, which is uncomfortable and hard…. I am striving to be a woman of unconditional love… and I love her still… not with all my heart anymore thou, I have put loving myself first and priority today. I do cry at times and grieve that relationship… I don't need to feed my ego and pretend I am this tough girl who doesn't give a fuck… I am beyond that today. I choose to be vulnerable instead of cold n tough… My life is beyond amazing right now, all my dreams are coming true and I am living them. It's a process of self-discovery to let go… and everyday becomes easier than the day before. My faith in Love has been restored by a new soul in my life, who is everything I could dream of. I am reminded on a daily basis how wonderful LOVE is suppose to be. I am taking it slow in the relationship department and had to take a step back from fixing on someone new to get over her. Its selfish of me to use anyone right now when my heart is still healing. I am grateful… I can laugh off the obvious vindictiveness I hear about and see… My unconditional love for her is stronger than my ego n pride, who cares? I don't… that is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE… anger has no place in my life anymore, nor space for games… Peace and love to everyone...

Preservation

Its August 5, 2010. Outside the weather today is about 72 degress in the city of Lakewood, Ca. My Mac laptop is plugged into the wall beside me and I sit here on the elevated bed looking out the window to my right thinking a million miles per hour. When my mind, body, n soul starts to exude phrenetic energy, means time for me to write. What does phrenetic mean? Means manical**... what does manical mean? lol ha ha ha

Synonyms:

corybantic, delirious, demented, distraught,excited, fanatical, frantic, frenzied, furibund,furious, hyper, in a lather, insane, lost it, mad,obsessive, overwrought, phrenetic , rabid,unbalanced, unscrewed, weirded out, wiggedout, wild, wired

Understand now? Well thats the closest I can get so you can start to understand.

My itunes is playing Minnie Ripertons "Loving you". I have been on all levels trying to avoid anything related to love, relationships, or my ex. So I choose this song, it wasnt OUR song... but I feel it in this moment. I am newly single. We have had many time-outs, but I was still commited to her. You know when you are sooooo in love, your eyes are only set on them, no matter who passes your path or who tries to get at you.... all you see is little birdies and hearts floating around the moment THE ONE you love walks thru that door? ha ha ha what a beautiful refreshing feeling that my heart is able to love soooo magical. Well, thats not my story anymore. This time its the final goodbye. That exact moment when you hit rock bottom and say I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. A preservation of what self-worth I had left. A protection of my heart... and a call to keep alive the fairytale I have believed love REALLY is. A need to safe guard, shield my soul.

After 2 and a half years of ridicule**. What is ridicule?

Ridicule: mockery,sarcasm, satire, irony. Ridicule, deride, mock, taunt imply making game of a person,

usually in an unkind way. To ridicule is to make fun of, either sportively and goodhumoredly,

or unkindly with the intention of humiliating. To deride is to assail one withscornful laughter

To mock issometimes playfully, sometimes insultingly, to imitate

and caricature the appearance or actions of another To taunt is to call attention to something

annoying or humiliating, usually maliciously andexultingly and often in the presence of others

I think this helps to put into words the relationship very well. This is just the tip of the ice burg. but I dont want to go any deeper than that. I think this is enough for you to understand why I left for preservation of my heart n soul. and build back what low self-worth I allowed during this relationship. I am the master of my universe and I had enough of being put down, and made to feel less than. Time to let out my superwoman and be ME again. Time to surround myself with souls who BUILD ME UP... ENCOURAGE ME... LOVE ME FOR ME... gentle all knowing loving souls.

So here I sit rereading what I just wrote... wow! how did I let it even get that far? I come from relationships where I was spoiled with love n affection... adored... in loved kindly. Hmmmm? I am resposible for staying. I am no victim. I choose to stay and I allowed myself to be treated as such. That I own. TOday I will not tolerate that or ever surround myself with someone like that again. I have too much self-worth tday to know I should never be treated anything less that a princess. All the manipulation n childish high school games are over. No more of walking on eggs shells anymore! Jesus the anxiety is gone and I feel free!!! Free in open to other souls... to the sunrise first thing in the morning.... to the waves that crash across the rocks... I can see, n hear Gods love.

I am doing me now... taking care of me now. For the first time in 2 1/2 years my eyes are wandering and lusting again. Wonderful feeling to know I am letting go and am moving forward finally. I knew this last stint together was my last. Sometimes it takes years to finally hit rock bottom in a relationship, because you become so co-dependant on another person and the fear of being alone is so great that you will settle. You like to believe the person is gonna change, you like to make excuses that it was their childhood and if I just love them and mother them to death they will change..... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no!

Doesnt happpen... A million excuses... but I believe LOVE is a drug... and like a heroin addict I was addicted to her in every which way, no matter what she did... she knew I wasnt going anywhere and she had the control. She knew exactly how to manipulate me... and I fell for it every single time. She use to tell me I was too gullible... now I know why she would say that.

I learned alot in this past relationship. and of course there is two sides of this story. This is mine. My own personal perspective... My longest relationship ever... Do i get a cookie for that? lol

I am not a victim today. I am an amazing woman who can conquer any obstacle that comes my way. I am the creator of my own universe. I am strong n positive! I know what I dont want... Great lesson right? but I am human too. I do get sad at times, and a few times at the most random moments cried my eyes out. it hurts, sometimes more than others. I just try to keep focused on my career and keep busy working. I keep my eyes on the reasons i stated above to remind me not go back. So I write this to remind myself why we wont work out... why so stay far away...

I am dear friends with ALL MY EX'S... keep in touch with them, and talk to them... thats the gentle soul I am... mad respect for them, and them mad respect for me. I had an ex call me the other morning to tell me SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY BACK... random call.... and then told me she was out n about my name came up from girls who dont know me personally... and she said that she put them on check! That she will never let anyone bad mouth me in front of her! THATS GANSTA! and likewise... I have never said a bad thing about her! nor would I ever allow anyone to bad mouth anyone I love... Then i had another ex call me and say no matter what anyone says, she knows the real ME, and that so many people hate... but she said she always speaks up for me! Those are my EXS and I am proud to have been with them! Even my ex husband has nothing but great things to say about me... I think my reputation with the ones who have actually been part of my circle are the only ones who I care what they think... and they love me for me! :::taking a bow:::

Until my next manic episode...

Long Nights

its been a minute...

What to disclose? What to keep to myself? :::a minute pause, biting my lip::: I can already feel the swelling knot in my throat because I want to cry. :::taking a moment::: I sit in the dark of my new apartment with a vanilla creme candle half burnt flickering against the wall illuminating warm burst of light. I have my new Alicia Keys CD playing, over and over and over again, as I do with every new CD I get. Ive been super busy, with my breakup, new career change, and moving. Three major life changes... :::pondering:: the only thing guaranteed in life is CHANGE. This I know all to well, cause I always feel like my world is gonna end when there is a change. Dramatic? Emotional? or stubborn? All of the above, which breaks down into FEAR. I like to keep my writings about me, not discussing other people. There is no freedom in pointing fingers, judging others, or bad mouthing anyone. Ultimately this is about ME...

There is a cycle I repeat over and over. Pulling people close... then pushing them away (really really far) or running away..... ALWAYS running back like a scared lil girl. Understandable today... because of my career choices in the last 12 years. I'm sure it goes deeper, but lets not go into the details.

TRUST is earned... and yet the slightest injury, and we want to cut people out. No one is perfect, as a matter of FACT..................... far from it. Do we have the patience and courage to walk thru this lifetime with the ones we love imperfect and all, and stay by their side no matter what? Accepting them AS THEY ARE... and still loving them through all their ups and downs of growing spiritually, emotionally. Think about that? Instead of judging, looking at it from their eyes, their own box like mentality... and being still. What do I mean by being still? Wondering what in their life causes them to do the things they do? Just allowing them to be them... and still be there by their side. Whether you agree with their choice or not? So man claim ride or die.... but really? When the ride gets to much to handle, or not going the direction YOU WANT IT TO (unreasonable expectations of how you think they should live their life) you bail? Abandon those who YOU CLAIMED never to walk away from. I have a few amazing friends like that... and I remain the same loyalty to them. Jesus!!!!! That's when they need you the most, and you choose to abandon them? Of course this doesn't apply to physical abuse or emotional abuse.

It like you wanna scream to the world, "just love me for me!!!" I think the heart and soul are the two most precious treasures in life, and when you find someone with those things, hold them tight and don't let them go. Intimacy takes revealing the sides of your side no one knows. Those secrets that you've always kept inside, those nightmares you have every night but don't want to tell the world. Imagine living a life hidden from your own self? Revealing those parts of ourselves that we feel shame or embarrassment.... comes freedom. we can live in the denial, a make believe world, a secretive life? That's some heavy shit! Trying to fit into every ones IDEA of the person you should be... and when all those secrets are finally out, its like a mirror reflection... cause there is no more denying the truth. You finally see light, in those areas of your life you kept dark so long... and guess what... it's gonna hurt to face reality, gonna sting, feel like someone is peeling off your skin that you have been wearing so long hidden in the faces you only show to impress.

I can look at it as a being exposed... or as a monumental moment in my life to make the right changes for once. Ive been waiting 12 years and the time has come. Here I am... I feel naked, raw, and uncomfortable. I have no one to be mad at, no one to blame.... this is all me. The parts I didn't want to face, the parts I didn't want to change... Karma will be dealt, and received... My intentions have always sincere, and heartfelt.... ironic...

This is my journey to me... all I can do is walk this new path... time will build trust... and doing the right thing when no one is looking will build self-esteem and self-worth...

*Being pruned so you can bloom*

Back at my executive desk, with my chocolate 4 month year old chihuahua sitting under the desk curled up at my feet... I sit here staring at the toasted vanilla hazlenut candle flame flicker in and out of the dark room. The sun is setting and the lights in the room should be turned on, but i choose to sit here in the dark. Im sitting indian style in my black laether recliner chair, that if I lean too far back it will flip backwards... lol... funny ha? I have my new brown eye glasses on that I wear cause i cant see very far without them... and I keep rubbing my eyes and nose because Im not use to wearing glasses... I prefer my contacts, im not use to them yet.

Im in a new season, being pruned to bloom....

Lets define prune=

–verb (used with object), pruned, prun⋅ing.

1.	to cut or lop off (twigs, branches, or roots).

2.	to cut or lop superfluous or undesired twigs, branches, or roots from; trim.

3.	to rid or clear of (anything superfluous or undesirable).

4.	to remove (anything considered superfluous or undesirable).

which puts me in position for new growth. God is still in control, he is still on my side. He slowly, sometimes harshly (especially when i dont want to let something go) removes the branches in me that bear no fruit. Ewwwww.. painful? yup... uncomfortable.... yup.... but in the time of pruning comes NEW OPPORTUNITIES

lets define opportunities=

–noun, plural -ties.

1.	an appropriate or favorable time or occasion: Their meeting afforded an opportunity to exchange views.

2.	a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.

3.	a good position, chance, or prospect, as for advancement or success.

this is what I have to focus on, right? New wings will spread that I never knew I had. More confident, favor is coming.... things that people mean to harm me will turn out to bless me. God is closely watching... Trust, he knows everyone true intentions and real thoughts. it might seem like I took a step backwards, it really becomes a new path forward. without adversity or challenge, we cant grow... I stay in faith... Dream dream dream....

In a pruning season means I need to get into agreement, and start to look forward to increase, to blessings, to new opprtunities.

God closes one door cause he is gonna open another door.

I know when I come out of this pruning season, I will be closer to the real me. My character is molded in the times of trials. Everything I know is changing again, people, places and things are changing... right when I was comfortable, but thats the dangerous part.... cause in stagnation comes the pruning.... cause its time to go hard and grow big.... big visions big dreams...

The hotter the fire... the greater the pain... the closer you are to your blessing. So HOLD ON, you are close to giving birth to something new, something beyond your imagination... Stay faithful and obediant.... loving and caring... cause new levels of victory are right around he corner!!!!!!

Prune and be rid of the branches which do not bear fruit, could be friends, a job, a relationship, even a family member... it will be painful and will be sooooooooo uncomfortable that you turn to partying, drinking, drugs, building up bullet proof walls from the world ever penetrating your heart again.... that just hindering your soul from evolving ::smiling:: We have a lifetime to grow... and what happens is we try to control and go after what our SELFISH. sELF-CENTERED hearts desires, what we THINK is good for us. And its in that drama we cause, YES WE ARE THE CAUSE FOR ANY DRAMA in our life... take accountability, see our part, then let go and let GOd prune all the rotten branches that we allowed to rot cause we thought it would bloom... GOD will remove everything and anyone who is no longer bearing us fruit... let him!!!!! gezzzzz

I understand this hard but remember the real blessing the real you, is slowly being peeled layer by layer... and in that, boy is it painful, also who wants to be soooo vulnerable???

::standing up:: I do...

Timing

Sitting at my executive desk, staring at the wireless keyboard i bought for my I mac computer. I sit in frustration, anger, and anxiety. My throat swells up and I can feel a lump the size of an apple blocking the air to my windpipe, I feel like I cant breath. Another strike, another fight... 

but really who is the fight with? Is it me? Is it myself I am fighting? These emotional outburst. The tears held back, cause who wants to cry? Do I really wanna look like a crazy person? The mere thought of crying makes me sick.

I am powerless over people, places, and things. Am I in a situation that calls for faith? Or signs from God for change? 

My part? because ultimately I have a part in my own madness. What is it? Lets find out and delve into me...

I am the creator of everything that is in my life right now. I have chosen this path, and along with it comes consequences.  What i really feel like is a drink... is that gonna make me feel any better? or make my problems go away? Come on now... NO.  Im a grown woman, and as a grown woman need to handle my problems and issues like a woman with class, and sophistication. Exactly how do I go about it like this, when all I wanna do is scream and say "Fuck off!!" I perceive in my head that no one listens to me, actuality is... is that people dont do what I WANT... THE WAY I THINK IT SHOULD BE DON... OR BE THE WAY I THINK THEY SHOULD BE... Bottom line I want to be the director of the show. I think I know the better way to do things, or the better way for someone to act and behave.  Accepting people, can be hard.  

I tend to be selfish. What is selfish? 

SELFISH:

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Who really has the balls to admit this? I do... (shyly raising my hand) I seem to make decisions without thinking of how they will effect those close to me. and as a bull... I am stubborn, and getting me to see another perspective takes time and patience. I worry about my benefit in a my situtation at all times. I have these  UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS I put on others.... and when they dont meet em, I explode.

I close up, withdraw, and run away... it seems to be the first unconscious reaction when confronted.  i am very uncomfortable with confrontation, definately not my forte... the root of this??? FEAR... fear runs my life, in most areas... and lately I have been living in fear... 

Honestly I wonder? Is changing my enviornment gonna make me happy? Is more money gonna make me happy? Is a new relationship gonna make me happy? Should I change my family situtation? No. i musst address reality. Be RIGOROUSLY HONEST, not brutally honest... I hate that term, it just a cop out excuse for an insecure coward to use to make themselves feel that they are better than or superior to someone else. Brutally? Lets define it...

Brutally: savage; cruel; inhuman,crude; coarse:harsh; ferocious

Jesus!!!!! wow! need i really say more about those who claim, brutally honest? Just an insecure coward, who hasn't learned LOVE... hasn't learned he art of real love... thats a whole nother blog. S back to myself, lol.... I have to be honest with myself... Rigorously! Lets define that 

Rigorous: severely exact or accurate; precise , uncomfortably severe or harsh; 

There is that word uncomfortable again, ugh... I like to live in my own little fantasy world. Where everything is peaches and cream, get what I mean? I can tend to be disillusioned by my own reality, what i want it to be... or basically cause i don't want to see the TRUTH. ohhhhhhhhh... that hit deep to the soul. ouchies! The truth... means I have to be accountable for my own choices.  Means admiting complete defeat... 

Fear: I fear I will not live up to me life purpose, that i am on the wrong path, going in the wrong direction, and wasting time. I fear that I will always have to be the caretaker for everyone... and boy its exhausting. I fear that I cant hold a stable healthy relationship, wtf is healthy? When is the right time to stay and work things through and when is the right time to let go and move forward? gezzzzzzzzz.... TIMING ha? Timing is everything in life, there is Gods time, and then there is my time ::magical fairy dust flying around, while cinderellla musci plays:: Exactly, my time is always an illusion... never reality. I forget to trust GOD. Its hard lately... cause when people, places, situations, get tough... I just leave... Work??? lmaooooooooooooooooo Start something and actually see it through to the end no matter how tought it gets????????? HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, doesnt happen in my world... I want the easier, softer way out. 

So back to working things thru... there is always a beginning to a problem, then theres the middle, then theres and end... I Kiara Mia, solemnly swear to stay and work things out and thru to the end. Wow! Thats a major goal for me, I am gonna write that on my 2009 vision board I have hung over my veranda behind my desk up on the once empty wall. I like to run from people and problems... its what I do best. I choose now to commit to seeeing everything I do thru to the end... and in the process I will give it my absolute best!!! No matter how many times I wanna quit. I will hold on, and KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, got it?

Thanks for listening, and not judging or criticizing, just let me be me... Cause i am a work in progress...