Long Nights

its been a minute...

What to disclose? What to keep to myself? :::a minute pause, biting my lip::: I can already feel the swelling knot in my throat because I want to cry. :::taking a moment::: I sit in the dark of my new apartment with a vanilla creme candle half burnt flickering against the wall illuminating warm burst of light. I have my new Alicia Keys CD playing, over and over and over again, as I do with every new CD I get. Ive been super busy, with my breakup, new career change, and moving. Three major life changes... :::pondering:: the only thing guaranteed in life is CHANGE. This I know all to well, cause I always feel like my world is gonna end when there is a change. Dramatic? Emotional? or stubborn? All of the above, which breaks down into FEAR. I like to keep my writings about me, not discussing other people. There is no freedom in pointing fingers, judging others, or bad mouthing anyone. Ultimately this is about ME...

There is a cycle I repeat over and over. Pulling people close... then pushing them away (really really far) or running away..... ALWAYS running back like a scared lil girl. Understandable today... because of my career choices in the last 12 years. I'm sure it goes deeper, but lets not go into the details.

TRUST is earned... and yet the slightest injury, and we want to cut people out. No one is perfect, as a matter of FACT..................... far from it. Do we have the patience and courage to walk thru this lifetime with the ones we love imperfect and all, and stay by their side no matter what? Accepting them AS THEY ARE... and still loving them through all their ups and downs of growing spiritually, emotionally. Think about that? Instead of judging, looking at it from their eyes, their own box like mentality... and being still. What do I mean by being still? Wondering what in their life causes them to do the things they do? Just allowing them to be them... and still be there by their side. Whether you agree with their choice or not? So man claim ride or die.... but really? When the ride gets to much to handle, or not going the direction YOU WANT IT TO (unreasonable expectations of how you think they should live their life) you bail? Abandon those who YOU CLAIMED never to walk away from. I have a few amazing friends like that... and I remain the same loyalty to them. Jesus!!!!! That's when they need you the most, and you choose to abandon them? Of course this doesn't apply to physical abuse or emotional abuse.

It like you wanna scream to the world, "just love me for me!!!" I think the heart and soul are the two most precious treasures in life, and when you find someone with those things, hold them tight and don't let them go. Intimacy takes revealing the sides of your side no one knows. Those secrets that you've always kept inside, those nightmares you have every night but don't want to tell the world. Imagine living a life hidden from your own self? Revealing those parts of ourselves that we feel shame or embarrassment.... comes freedom. we can live in the denial, a make believe world, a secretive life? That's some heavy shit! Trying to fit into every ones IDEA of the person you should be... and when all those secrets are finally out, its like a mirror reflection... cause there is no more denying the truth. You finally see light, in those areas of your life you kept dark so long... and guess what... it's gonna hurt to face reality, gonna sting, feel like someone is peeling off your skin that you have been wearing so long hidden in the faces you only show to impress.

I can look at it as a being exposed... or as a monumental moment in my life to make the right changes for once. Ive been waiting 12 years and the time has come. Here I am... I feel naked, raw, and uncomfortable. I have no one to be mad at, no one to blame.... this is all me. The parts I didn't want to face, the parts I didn't want to change... Karma will be dealt, and received... My intentions have always sincere, and heartfelt.... ironic...

This is my journey to me... all I can do is walk this new path... time will build trust... and doing the right thing when no one is looking will build self-esteem and self-worth...

*Being pruned so you can bloom*

Back at my executive desk, with my chocolate 4 month year old chihuahua sitting under the desk curled up at my feet... I sit here staring at the toasted vanilla hazlenut candle flame flicker in and out of the dark room. The sun is setting and the lights in the room should be turned on, but i choose to sit here in the dark. Im sitting indian style in my black laether recliner chair, that if I lean too far back it will flip backwards... lol... funny ha? I have my new brown eye glasses on that I wear cause i cant see very far without them... and I keep rubbing my eyes and nose because Im not use to wearing glasses... I prefer my contacts, im not use to them yet.

Im in a new season, being pruned to bloom....

Lets define prune=

–verb (used with object), pruned, prun⋅ing.

1.	to cut or lop off (twigs, branches, or roots).

2.	to cut or lop superfluous or undesired twigs, branches, or roots from; trim.

3.	to rid or clear of (anything superfluous or undesirable).

4.	to remove (anything considered superfluous or undesirable).

which puts me in position for new growth. God is still in control, he is still on my side. He slowly, sometimes harshly (especially when i dont want to let something go) removes the branches in me that bear no fruit. Ewwwww.. painful? yup... uncomfortable.... yup.... but in the time of pruning comes NEW OPPORTUNITIES

lets define opportunities=

–noun, plural -ties.

1.	an appropriate or favorable time or occasion: Their meeting afforded an opportunity to exchange views.

2.	a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.

3.	a good position, chance, or prospect, as for advancement or success.

this is what I have to focus on, right? New wings will spread that I never knew I had. More confident, favor is coming.... things that people mean to harm me will turn out to bless me. God is closely watching... Trust, he knows everyone true intentions and real thoughts. it might seem like I took a step backwards, it really becomes a new path forward. without adversity or challenge, we cant grow... I stay in faith... Dream dream dream....

In a pruning season means I need to get into agreement, and start to look forward to increase, to blessings, to new opprtunities.

God closes one door cause he is gonna open another door.

I know when I come out of this pruning season, I will be closer to the real me. My character is molded in the times of trials. Everything I know is changing again, people, places and things are changing... right when I was comfortable, but thats the dangerous part.... cause in stagnation comes the pruning.... cause its time to go hard and grow big.... big visions big dreams...

The hotter the fire... the greater the pain... the closer you are to your blessing. So HOLD ON, you are close to giving birth to something new, something beyond your imagination... Stay faithful and obediant.... loving and caring... cause new levels of victory are right around he corner!!!!!!

Prune and be rid of the branches which do not bear fruit, could be friends, a job, a relationship, even a family member... it will be painful and will be sooooooooo uncomfortable that you turn to partying, drinking, drugs, building up bullet proof walls from the world ever penetrating your heart again.... that just hindering your soul from evolving ::smiling:: We have a lifetime to grow... and what happens is we try to control and go after what our SELFISH. sELF-CENTERED hearts desires, what we THINK is good for us. And its in that drama we cause, YES WE ARE THE CAUSE FOR ANY DRAMA in our life... take accountability, see our part, then let go and let GOd prune all the rotten branches that we allowed to rot cause we thought it would bloom... GOD will remove everything and anyone who is no longer bearing us fruit... let him!!!!! gezzzzz

I understand this hard but remember the real blessing the real you, is slowly being peeled layer by layer... and in that, boy is it painful, also who wants to be soooo vulnerable???

::standing up:: I do...

Timing

Sitting at my executive desk, staring at the wireless keyboard i bought for my I mac computer. I sit in frustration, anger, and anxiety. My throat swells up and I can feel a lump the size of an apple blocking the air to my windpipe, I feel like I cant breath. Another strike, another fight... 

but really who is the fight with? Is it me? Is it myself I am fighting? These emotional outburst. The tears held back, cause who wants to cry? Do I really wanna look like a crazy person? The mere thought of crying makes me sick.

I am powerless over people, places, and things. Am I in a situation that calls for faith? Or signs from God for change? 

My part? because ultimately I have a part in my own madness. What is it? Lets find out and delve into me...

I am the creator of everything that is in my life right now. I have chosen this path, and along with it comes consequences.  What i really feel like is a drink... is that gonna make me feel any better? or make my problems go away? Come on now... NO.  Im a grown woman, and as a grown woman need to handle my problems and issues like a woman with class, and sophistication. Exactly how do I go about it like this, when all I wanna do is scream and say "Fuck off!!" I perceive in my head that no one listens to me, actuality is... is that people dont do what I WANT... THE WAY I THINK IT SHOULD BE DON... OR BE THE WAY I THINK THEY SHOULD BE... Bottom line I want to be the director of the show. I think I know the better way to do things, or the better way for someone to act and behave.  Accepting people, can be hard.  

I tend to be selfish. What is selfish? 

SELFISH:

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Who really has the balls to admit this? I do... (shyly raising my hand) I seem to make decisions without thinking of how they will effect those close to me. and as a bull... I am stubborn, and getting me to see another perspective takes time and patience. I worry about my benefit in a my situtation at all times. I have these  UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS I put on others.... and when they dont meet em, I explode.

I close up, withdraw, and run away... it seems to be the first unconscious reaction when confronted.  i am very uncomfortable with confrontation, definately not my forte... the root of this??? FEAR... fear runs my life, in most areas... and lately I have been living in fear... 

Honestly I wonder? Is changing my enviornment gonna make me happy? Is more money gonna make me happy? Is a new relationship gonna make me happy? Should I change my family situtation? No. i musst address reality. Be RIGOROUSLY HONEST, not brutally honest... I hate that term, it just a cop out excuse for an insecure coward to use to make themselves feel that they are better than or superior to someone else. Brutally? Lets define it...

Brutally: savage; cruel; inhuman,crude; coarse:harsh; ferocious

Jesus!!!!! wow! need i really say more about those who claim, brutally honest? Just an insecure coward, who hasn't learned LOVE... hasn't learned he art of real love... thats a whole nother blog. S back to myself, lol.... I have to be honest with myself... Rigorously! Lets define that 

Rigorous: severely exact or accurate; precise , uncomfortably severe or harsh; 

There is that word uncomfortable again, ugh... I like to live in my own little fantasy world. Where everything is peaches and cream, get what I mean? I can tend to be disillusioned by my own reality, what i want it to be... or basically cause i don't want to see the TRUTH. ohhhhhhhhh... that hit deep to the soul. ouchies! The truth... means I have to be accountable for my own choices.  Means admiting complete defeat... 

Fear: I fear I will not live up to me life purpose, that i am on the wrong path, going in the wrong direction, and wasting time. I fear that I will always have to be the caretaker for everyone... and boy its exhausting. I fear that I cant hold a stable healthy relationship, wtf is healthy? When is the right time to stay and work things through and when is the right time to let go and move forward? gezzzzzzzzz.... TIMING ha? Timing is everything in life, there is Gods time, and then there is my time ::magical fairy dust flying around, while cinderellla musci plays:: Exactly, my time is always an illusion... never reality. I forget to trust GOD. Its hard lately... cause when people, places, situations, get tough... I just leave... Work??? lmaooooooooooooooooo Start something and actually see it through to the end no matter how tought it gets????????? HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, doesnt happen in my world... I want the easier, softer way out. 

So back to working things thru... there is always a beginning to a problem, then theres the middle, then theres and end... I Kiara Mia, solemnly swear to stay and work things out and thru to the end. Wow! Thats a major goal for me, I am gonna write that on my 2009 vision board I have hung over my veranda behind my desk up on the once empty wall. I like to run from people and problems... its what I do best. I choose now to commit to seeeing everything I do thru to the end... and in the process I will give it my absolute best!!! No matter how many times I wanna quit. I will hold on, and KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, AND KEEP GOING, got it?

Thanks for listening, and not judging or criticizing, just let me be me... Cause i am a work in progress... 

Judgement

They say leave judgement to God...

and that is if you believe in God. but honestly.... how hard is it to go through the day without judging or criticizing a person, place or thing... that doesnt fit into our views, our "ideas" of what normal life is. 

We only know life through our own lil box. Our box which was created by our own personally upbringings and experiences. dont forget to add our parents thoughts and religious views we were brought up in. They impact our views as adults and affect our "ideas" of how people should look, act, and be. 

Nothing is ever gonna fit into our "ideal' person, place, or thing. Be it a person, place or thing. Acceptance is the only answer to have true peace of mind. remember everything is exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment cause nothing happens by mistake in Gods world.   Accept that you don't understand the person, place or situation... and just move forward.  Look at it as a new learning experience. You are being exposed to something you are unfamiliar with. don't judge, criticize, or condemn. Take a moment of silence, bite our lip... and smile (really really big) try for just a second to look outside your minuscule (itty bitty witty) box, and be open to change.  Cause honestly, judgement and criticism breaks down to the root of "FEAR".  Your own insecurities within yourself are being projected on others.

I have met a few people in my life, who I have never heard them judge or criticize... they just lay back and let people, places, and things be... 

So for today I am not gonna judge.... condemn... or criticize... I'm gonna look outside my Lil box and accept people, places, and situations as they are.  We are all on different paths, to different destinations... I love my life... why shouldn't I support someone else who loves theirs?

Finally

I am soooooo excited to be here!!! I absoluetly love to blog. here you will find all my beauty secrets, relationship advice, and health tips that I live my life by!! Stay tuned for the launching of my new website www.kiaramia.com