You asked... and now I have answered. Welcome to my personal secrets!!! An intimate revelation of my relationships, sex life, beauty secrets, and health tips... Follow me through lifes ups and downs, and how I survive the storms that life throws my ways. Enjoy!!
Do I dare reveal my inner most thoughts? Let down my walls of coldness Ive mastered in the last 35 years of living Im not the one to open up, expose, divulge Years upon years of silence Lips paralyzed Speech impaired Vulnerability my biggest fear Pride poisons Ego my venom crippled by my past My eyes cry for you that you will never know My hearts broken that you will never know My lips say, "I love you" that you will never hear On bended knees wishing you were back that you will never see Thinking about you day and night that you will never know wearing your tshirt to bed every night that you will never see Me running back saying, "I fucked up" that you will never hear A prisoner of my own silence That I will have to live with...
-DM
Its a new year... taking myself to the next level in all areas of my life. Pushing and challenging myself in the areas that make me uncomfortable. God knows vulnerability is not my forte when it comes to love. I want to be that open, vulnerable, fight for love, on bended knees type of girl I always looked as and judged as weak. It starts now, practice makes perfect and I want to be ready for my NEXT. Going in deeper than I have ever gone. Taking myself to an even higher dimension... "FOREVER" dimension... and it starts now, with myself. The more I express and communicate it now... the easier it will be once the time comes to say it from my lips... it will flow freely instead of walking out on the one I love cause my EGO and PRIDE. Refuse to make that same mistake again... all about that next level shit! Lets do it! Im ready! :::brushing off shoulder::: Evolving........................ beautifully :)
People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly.
Today is Oct 7, 2011 Thursday night.... Through every storm there is a rainbow. I know that, its been a constant theme in my life. Tonight I took a hot bubble bath, lite my new candles I bought today at CVS, I bought a new scent.... thats rare... Im not one for change... I always get vanilla, but today i didnt. Interesting? To me yes! why? The fact that Im so open to try and do things differently is pretty incredible. Not my character, well at least it wasnt. I have despised the color pink for most of my 35 years of life, Im a fan of black. But I bought a new luggage set and I choose PINK. So I looked up the color pink to see what it represents...
Color Pink
Pink is the color of universal love. Pink is a quiet color. Lovers of beauty favor pink. A pink carnation means "I will never forget you".
Pink Energy
Pink is a combination of red and white. The quality of energy in pink is determined by how much red is present. White is the potential for fullness, while red helps you to achieve that potential. Pink combines these energies. Shades of deep pink, such as magenta, are effective in neutralizing disorder and violence. Some prisons use limited deep pink tones to diffuse aggressive behaviour.
Pink provides feelings of caring, tenderness, self-worth and love, acceptance.
Put some pink in your life when you want:
calm feelings
to neutralize disorder
relaxation
acceptance, contentment
Pink gem stone properties
Pink gemstones can be used to promote love, self-worth, order and protection from violence or aggression. Carry or place pink gemstones around your home or office to stimulate love and beauty.
Interesting ha? It makes sense... I am in a new place, a new mindset... heart and soul awareness... I even wore a pink tank top the other day to the LA County Fair and loved it! lol Go figure. Who wants to live life the same exact way till the day they die? Where is the fullfillment and joy in that? I love routine... but I want to experience life in its varies colors. I have a black and white, all or nothing kinda girl for so long... Im kinda tired of it. I am tired of looking at life out of MY STUBBORN lil box. In the book, "The 7 habits of highly efffective people', One of the habits is....
LOOKING OUTSIDE YOUR BOX: Thinking outside of the box requires a person to be willing to think past accepted concepts and perspectives, to strive for the different. Thinking outside the box means seeking creative ideas. This form of pondering requires practice.
Develop a new approach to solve problems. Be open to new possibilities that don't conform to the conventional ideas. Go beyond normal and look for alternative wisdom.
2
Explore all your options. Don't settle for the first thing that comes to mind. Look at every angle by viewing things from a clean pair of glasses.
3
Be a good listener and you'll hear things you've never heard before. The opinions presented could lead to solutions so listen carefully when someone is speaking.
4
Determine not to settle for status quo. Strive for the unconventional ways, reach for the stars, be unique. Don't be afraid of people placing judgement it's a lesson for us all. That's thinking outside of the box.
5
Practice thinking opposite of what comes natural. If you're trained to see the glass half-empty then see it half-full. If money never mattered then live like it does. These experiments will help re-train the mind to re-frame your thoughts
Why does this appeal to me? because Im tired of certain patterns in my life repeating. Really? Im honestly so over it. So cool, Im ready to listen. Im open to do things differently without any kind of fight or struggle. Well, lmao probably with some slip ups!!! No ones perfect, and its time for me to accept that and allow people to be unperfect without any expectations of what I think they SHOULD BE.
Being anything than authentic to myself today makes me feel yucky!! It will start to weight heavy on my heart and soul, and I will recognize the mask that I wear, and instantly want to rip it off and throw it off the empire state building. Blahhhhhhhhhhh... :::stinky face::: I am my worse critic and no one can beat me up worse than I can. No point in that, there is no victim, and no one cares for a fucking pity party. Suck it up, and learn. Honestly re evaluate and start over at any time.
All I know is that I want to do right to the authentic me. And right now, that means taking a sabbatical from dating, relationships, temporary fixs, and any kind of casual sex. ZERO interest!! ZERO.... feed me mind, inspire my soul... All the superficial bullshit and anger, and pain, is getting old. Just repeating same fucking pattern. Ive never taking time in my life to myself, to be in solitude. but my soul is yearning for it right now. Investing all the energy I put into loving someone else, into loving myself. Taking myself to a fancy dinner, drawing myself a hot bath, writing myself poems, being gentle to spirit right now. Theres so much love around me, I am investing in my family relationships and cherishing my friendships. surrounding myself weith those who build me up, inspire me, who are examples of integrity. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. No ones perfect, I know when my character defects are in full throttle, I recognize it. Doesnt take too long for me to feel like an ass, and realize exactly what I am doing. I might not be the best at saying sorry, today I'd rather show it by action. Sorry is just a word. Goodnight
I love you I can say it a million times but love is an action
I love you I can say it a million times but you wont believe me
Close your eyes late at night when you in your bed alone, I know you can feel me Feel the vibrations of my essence bounce around your head flow through your veins race threw your mind
My soul has engraved my name into your heart ::::LISTEN:::: She whispers my name and at times i can hear her cry out my name I feel you deep, telepathectically... Its our connection, the way we mesh into one You just cant let go I cant let go Living on the memories breathing for the sake of hope that our love will find its way home...
Home is what we had, home is when we are together home is where we laid our heads everynight as you feel a sleep on my chest listening to the deep sound of my heartbeating whispering, "Your Home"....
No one understands... No one comprehends the depth our souls have went they danced, they played, and they laughed We were in our world, our own dimension, where our love was the only reality the only truth to our existence I believed in you, and you believed in me... a love so true
Today is Weds, Aug 3, 2011. 9:22 am, I lie in bed on on my stomach with my blue Victoria secret pajamas booty shorts and a white wife beater with no bra, feet snuggled under the covers with my Mac laptop at the edge of my bed... closed the blinds from letting the sunshine thru my bedroom window, my new white fan blows gently a cool breeze across my face everytime it rotates in my direction. Brewed a fresh cup of starbucks coffee in this super cool coffee maker thats makes coffee only by the cup. Its new to me, this coffee maker. At first, I wasn't fond of it, Im not one for changes (At ALL). But a lot has changed in the last year, and this seems to be a major theme for me this year... So this coffee maker today is my lil fwiend, but when I first moved into my new place, it wasn't... it was my enemy. It what a reminder that I was not in control, that it was not my possession, not my way of doing things, not "HOME", completely unfamiliar. I would have liked to grabbed a hammer and smashed the shit out of it into little miniscul pieces in a manic tantrum to express my dislike for change... Imagine that? My roomate already thinks Im nuts! lmaooooo ha ha ha ha... I see it as a therapuetic way to vent my emotions. See I dont do well with expressing my emotion of FEAR... FEAR of change... I'd rather run. (Surprise!) I am reading this book that explains me to a TEE, listen up...
Confronting Without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving ...
By Deborah Smith Pegues
Another way of handling conflict is embodied by the abdicator. An abdicator handles conflict through retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating himself, dropping out, walking away, abondoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding.
To abdicate is to relinquish power or responsibility. Renowned psychologist M. Scott Peck asserts in his book, "The Road Less Traveled", that "the tendency to avoid problems... is the primary cause of all mental illness".
If this is true, then the abdicator is a prime candidate for a mental disorder.
The Abdicator avoids confrontation at any cost. He will withdraw from a a situtaion rather than confront. He robs himself of the opportunty to experience the growth that results from working thru issues."
I am tired of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results- Insanity. I'm 35, a grown woman, my toolbox for dealing with conflict should be filled with every tool that they carry at Home Depot. That would be great, seriously! I just pull out a socket wrench when I need it and go to work, addressing, adjusting, and fixing problems as they arise.... I would love that, and ASPIRE for that. Build a solid foundation... with all the nuts n bolts tightly assembled airtight! :::thinking::: Nice metaphor...
Pretty empty, I would say... Looking back thru my childhood I can say my parents didnt fully equip me with the fundamental tools needed to deal with life on lifes terms. They did best with what they had in their toolbox of solutions. And as a recovering drug addict and recovering alcoholic, my toolbox became extrememly scarce over the following years... Today I am aware.. Fully aware. Discovery (awareness) is the first process to change.
"Problems come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. There is no single or simple step-by-step process guaranteeing us we will solve every problem we encounter. We are faced instead with the requirement to configure or adapt our problem solving processes to fit the problem at hand. As problem solvers, we have more in common with the cabinet-maker than the assembly-line worker. What we need, then, are plans and blueprints, high-quality materials, a decent place to work, a well-stocked tool box, and the skill and knowledge necessary to properly select and use the tools in it. Toward that end, here are ten tips—ideas for “beefing up” the tools in your problem solving tool box."
Focus on the solved state.
Be clear about all your goals and objectives.
Expand your definition of “Define the Problem.”
Think of problem solving as a cover-the-bases activity.
Draw diagrams and otherwise picture the structure of the problem.
Take the concept of cause with a grain of salt.
Watch out for “disconnects.”
Be aware of your own blinders.
Develop your own system for solving problems.
Research the subject matter.
<--- This is what I want my toolbox to look like. Fully equipped... I am a very hard worker, ambitious, dedicated, and determined. Now the key is to apply my stregthns to my weakness. Face the issue at hand, whip out a tool, and use it proudly. Takes courage to change... and willingness. Both of those I embrace and display with a big smile on my face. I love learning, I love becoming a better person and doing the right thing. These things feed my soul and give me a purpose in life... Spiritual growth, evolving into a woman of integrity. Integrity: Doing the right thing when NO ONE is LOOKING.
Back to my point... Running....
I went to the movies the other day and watched "Crazy, Stupid Love". The movie was funny... but there was one scene that mad me want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a pool of battery acid. Seriously! My eyes watered, my throat swelled up with a huge knot and I tried not to cry. I knew in that instant God was speaking to me... The scene is the 13 year old son playing catch with his father who just left his mom cause she cheated on his father with a co worker. While throwing the ball back and forth the son tells his dad, if his mom is his soulmate, why did he walk away? Why doesnt he fight for her? the son continues to say, thats what you do for your soul mate, you fight for love, not walk away. He told his dad for fight for her!
Yeah, that scene made me want to cry. And the entire rest of the movie was completely uncomfortable... My attitude toward love has been the complete opposite for 31 years of my life, which would explain why I had NEVER had a long term relationship that lasted consistently longer than two months at any one time without me walking out (though sometimes I did come back). I have mastered running away at the first sign of a potential disagreement or fight. Im not the girl who stays and fights for love... I have to much pride and ego (My ego is not my amigo). Its something I promised myself from childhood... that I would never go thru what my mom did. I would have a zero tolerance level for bullshit. I will be stronger than my mom. I will be stronger for my daughter than she was.
I will at all cost protect that lil girl who cried every night for her mom to gather the strength to leave that nightmare. With a dogged stubborness that is ingrained in all that I am, all that I believe... Driven by that childhood fear, I take full flight to protect that lil girl inside I promised to protect... Who wouldve known that today this courage to protect would be my biggest curse and challenge in Love relationships? I am ready to settle down for a lifetime relationship, marriage, kids, family...
Three years ago... { To read the rest of this blog you have to Join my personal website htttp://kiaramia.com }
It is 12:21 am. It was sunday 21 minutes ago and now its Monday. As though I really have interest in what day of the week it is, unless I have some exciting plans I have to look forward too. The heater in my apartment is blasting. I think its set to 78 degrees, could always pretend I'm in Africa with how damn hot it gets in here, but I'm too tired to get up and turn it off. I'm lying in my bed on my back with my computer proped up on my chest on a pillow. I need one of those laptop computer pillow/desk things I see all the time on that info commercial for AS SEEN ON TV products. My big fat grey, black, n white long haired cat, seems to have laid himself out on the entire right side of my bed. So I guess I will be sleeping on the left side. My chihuahua is curled up at my feet in between my legs so I cant roll over or move my legs.... cool ha? lol NOT! Anyways on to more important details and topics like how damn bitchy i was all week cause of this RAW food diet I have switched to. I am definately leaning up, but at the cost of trying to starve myself and eat as little as possible. I am obsessed with getting skinny. It's all I can think about at times. those tall anorexic runway models and the sucked in, deathlike look of their skeletal face. Kinda sick, I know, but thats where my mind goes lol. Well as a result of this starvation, I am one huge BITCH, on edge, and super snappy!!! I ate the entire day yesterday stuffing my face with all my favvy raw food. and guess what? Yup! you guessed!! my energy was up the roof, and I was in a happy mood!!! Not so much for today though, I havent ate much and feel my mood slipping low into a WARNING ZONE. lol warning zone ha ha ha thats a good code word i will post for my mood. Ok I just stopped by to vent, its bed time and I am tired. I went to church this morning, great message, which i will go into tomorrow ona a new blog when I am awake and not falling asleep. I always wake up smiling and positive!!! So lets go to bed!!!!!! fastt!!!!! lol nitey nites
The hotter the fire... the greater the pain... the closer you are to your blessing. So HOLD ON, you are close to giving birth to something new, something beyond your imagination... Stay faithful and obediant.... loving and caring... cause new levels of victory are right around he corner!!!!!! Copied this from another blog of mine last year. Gotta keep telling my self this!!!
Today is November 9, 2010. Its 9:30 PST and I am in an empty plane about to land at LAX in about an hour. I was in NYC all week freezing my ass off, and I mean wind so cold you would think razor blades were slicing your cheeks. But during the weekend I was in NJ, absolutely loving the Jersey love for an adult convention called Exxxotica. Alexis, my dear friend, and I had our own booth there. Where we signed autographs and took pictures with our fans. This is the last place I ever thought I would be a year ago.
Now keep in mind this is my story, my point of view... How I see this story... Whether its the correct version or not, it is solely my personal experience from my eyes... Like Eminem says in that song:
Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me All be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind Just to see what we find
Looking shit through each other's eyes
I moved to Downey, Ca. about a year n half ago with the love of my life. You would think I would remember the good times, but the break-up weighs heavy on my heart. It was around November, same time last year. Actually early December, I think now. When my world and hers got turned inside out, like a world war three erupted, and all the soldiers in our house were at odds. I was the enemy, the cause of this catastrophe. A few days before I was the loving wife n mother who kept the household together. Setting the alarm at 6am every morning in hopes of waking up my wife for work, good-luck! She never work-up until minutes before she needed to leave the house. My joy was waking up with her, brewing the coffee, making her scrambled egg whites(No salt) and very lil cream in her coffee and a pinch of sugar. If the fridge was full of food, then packing her a lunch was always fun! Cheese its! ha ha ha She always complained i packed too much food, until late afternoon came and she would gladly finish off the rest of her lunch! and then admit to me I was right… she would be eating the rest of her lunch. Kiss her grumpy face goodbye and run back into the bedroom and jump into bed!
I had settled down for the first time in my life, I fell madly in love… ready for the white picket fence, laughing children running around, n the dog in the yard. My childhood dream, to have that perfect little happy family. The family life I always dreamt of having as a child, not the nightmare I remember as my childhood. but we wont go into that here. I lived a double life, as most alcoholics do. With a lil over a year sober I was learning how to have my first long term relationship. And for the first time in my life, I didn't want to run or push her away. My demons were dormant, her love had tamed them. I was content, I had finally achieved contentment. That didn't last too long! As I had a secret. How long did I really think I was gonna get away with my dishonesty? A double life? the guilt alone ate away at my self-esteem. My anxiety raced from the moment I woke up! I was distant at times, preparing myself for the worse. Daytime came and I was able to keep myself distracted long enough not to feel, but once nighttime fell, it consumed me. What would become of my happy home? The admittance of my darkest, n deepest secret… I couldn't even fathom facing the truth.
She sobbed her eyes out that night… I sat close to her frozen in shame, my throat had swelled up and i couldn't say a word. The hurricane of guilt was about to make me pass out… Do I reach over and hug her? What do I do? The only thing I know how to do is run… and God did I want to put on my Nikes in run out the door as far as i could get and never look back at the catastrophe that laid at my feet. My skin crawled and I wanted to dive deep into the nearest hole and die. Face to face I sat with her on the edge of our bed in our bedroom. The entire apartment was silent and I knew our conversation could be heard by my daughter. Staring at our bed, I recalled the many nights we seductively stared into each others eyes, turned down the lights, lite up the candles that I frequently bought from Ross every week, and were up to the wee hours of the morning making beautiful love. Now here I sit, stricken with fear of losing her. But do I dare reveal that to her? Do I stay and fight for her, our family, our dreams? Kangi laid nearby, our teddybear we slept with every night, even he seemed to give me the evil eye. My guilt confiscated my idenity!!!! Do you understand? I am the worse with confrontation, I wont even call the pizza man to order pizza, the mere thought of conversing with the man gives me anxiety. So here I am, being confronted! and I turn into a freezing cold mountain of silence. Good going of being a real asshole! My pride inflates and my bulletproof walls go up in 2.5 seconds… and I angrily admit too the fact Yes, I have chosen to get in the Adult Industry. The Adult industry entails more than I care to discuss right now.
I learned the deepest lessons of unconditional love from this lady. She forgave my dishonesty and stood by my side while we put boundaries on my choices I made to make money in this industry. I think that alone says a lot about her love for me, while at least for that moment… cause the months to follow I experienced the worse emotional abandonment, n ridicule from this relationship. The long weeks she went without saying a word to me, and looking at me in disgust. Night after night I looked over to her side of the bed to have her back to me for months… The trust was gone and I was now being punished… My self-worth was dwindling at this point by the second, and I allowed it. In the middle of the night i would wake to the pitch black bedroom and sob my eyes out. This isn't the relationship I envisioned for my happy family… A year prior to this she was DISHONEST… and I forgave her… I let it go… why cant she? Why the double standard? I didn't punish you? I didn't bring it up? I didn't throw it in your face everyday? I worshipped the ground she walked on. I adored her, spoiled her, encouraged her and took care of her. I gave my all for the first time in my life to someone and this is how she repays me. Months went by, that voice inside was crying to be loved, begging for just one lil ounce of affirmation… it never came… so I mustered up enough courage and what little self-esteem I had and packed up the house and left.
When I finally made that decision, i thought the worst of it was over! It only gets worse before it gets better. My new apartment was beautiful!!! My home was back to being my safe-haven. Peaceful and serene… I enjoyed the silence and smile overtime I came home to a smiling face!!! My daughter and dog Bella were in the best spirits and i was content… Until the emotions of the break-up caught up with me…. I now dreaded the thought of laying my head on the pillow, cause there my biggest enemy would catch up with me, I was able to lose him throughout the day in the busy hustling of my job. I feel into a deep depression, sobbing my eyes out overnight to sleep. Sick to my stomach, I couldn't fathom the thought of eating… I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed over her. Just one touch, just one hug, what i would do to have her hold me while I fell asleep. I couldn't breath, live without her!!! I was addicted, like a heroin addict withdrawing from running out of heroin… the withdrawals were slowly killing me… this was not what I had in mind when I left!!! My drinking increased as I tried to drink away the pain… I begged her back, and begged, and begged, she threw dog scrapes my way every now and then, and i swallowed em up like they were my last meal. I felt deserving of this treatment, guilty for leaving our family, our dreams, ruining what we had.
I hit rock bottom… I couldn't take anymore and knew I needed to do something different. I was waiting for that moment, that minute, that second that I could finally walk away and move on. I prayed… all i could do is be patient, sit back and watch her treat me as an option, that is the nicer version of what I really want to say… and wait. I knew it was near… my self-esteem was building back up… and my self-worth was on the rise!!! Just wait till I'm not at your beck n call anymore, then you will regret it…. that was my thought, my hope, my prayer… too walk away… and that moment and second came… God parted the clouds and the sun came shining through and I had, had enough, I was done.
I know her to well, I was ready for the 'VINDICTIVENESS'… I am no one to judge, but we all grow spiritually at different times on different levels… I knew I would pray for her and wish her well on her path and her journey in the choices she makes today. I only grow stronger day by day… I get to see with my own eyes where she is at today, and know I made the right decision. Some people don't change… they repeat the same pattern over and over again… their timing to learn from past mistakes is their own journey. I am on mine right now. And God knows the truth… I am shedding old skin, which is uncomfortable and hard…. I am striving to be a woman of unconditional love… and I love her still… not with all my heart anymore thou, I have put loving myself first and priority today. I do cry at times and grieve that relationship… I don't need to feed my ego and pretend I am this tough girl who doesn't give a fuck… I am beyond that today. I choose to be vulnerable instead of cold n tough… My life is beyond amazing right now, all my dreams are coming true and I am living them. It's a process of self-discovery to let go… and everyday becomes easier than the day before. My faith in Love has been restored by a new soul in my life, who is everything I could dream of. I am reminded on a daily basis how wonderful LOVE is suppose to be. I am taking it slow in the relationship department and had to take a step back from fixing on someone new to get over her. Its selfish of me to use anyone right now when my heart is still healing. I am grateful… I can laugh off the obvious vindictiveness I hear about and see… My unconditional love for her is stronger than my ego n pride, who cares? I don't… that is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE… anger has no place in my life anymore, nor space for games… Peace and love to everyone...
